I Hate Myself Poem by Tea Kawana

I HATE MYSELF
is all I want to say,
to scream it out loud,
to cry!
I want to cry!
I’m scared to death at times
and after mercy
I still prove myself to be useless:
Reluctant like I did not receive it.
How many times can one be sorry?
and regretful?
I don’t know what to say
I just don’t…
My God take it away from me
I pray.
It used to be and then wasn’t
but now is.
I don’t want to look at my past
because it’s not necessary
yet this all started then
I know…
I’m not pointing fingers
even though just a little bit
I should.
YOU knew me
and YOU know me now
and I want to change,
I do.
Take what brings this about
out of my life or far away from me
that we don’t share the same universe.
Create the largest void between us.
Father I pray
Give me the strength to tell it
to go away
Give me the strength to disallow it
to hold me
Give me the strength to push it
in the opposite direction.
I hate my conscience feeling
uneasy, I hate myself feeling insecure,
I hate myself far from YOU.
I want to be near YOU.
I could travel to all distant places
and it could still find me.
It is my mind:
we are attached.
I’d cut off my head or pull out my veins
if it were that I’d stay alive
so it’d be easier to ONLY listen to YOU.
I know it is my nature for I still have my body
but I want to believe that I can Overcome it in
YOU, and YOU alone.
So Lord, help me be focused on YOU
Let me think of YOU when it comes around
let me be distracted.
I know YOU’RE still mine
but I don’t want YOU to have me like this.
Dear Lord, HELP ME!
I cry…
I want to grow in YOU
I was delighted when I read the Pages of Life
and learnt that YOU are light and love
and so I should look to YOU
and if ever I go astray, I must be reconciled back to
YOU in forgiveness.
Lord I’m weak –
HELP me to be strong in YOU
I’m sorry that I hurt YOU once again
knowing it was wrong.
I come to YOU to confess this wrong doing of mine
I don’t want to play with YOU’RE WONDERFUL GRACE
Let me not have that in mind lest I look to it like I can do anything
that pleases my eyes and not YOURS!
Lord, forgive me for what I have done
and take me back
through YOU’RE PRECIOUS SON
MY SAVIOUR,
THE LORD JESUS CHRIST.
Amen.