If Only......... Poem by Julieanne Jones

This poem was wrote for my husband Mark. After I had a breakdown, I disappeared for months without him knowing where I was. I was too scared to come home....... The mind works in mysterious ways. I am now where I belong, home, making a fresh start.

I am laying here, thinking of you, I'm so tired, yet cannot sleep, I am so restless but yet so lifeless,
I feel your arms embracing me closely, for a moment forgetting you are not here with me.
I feel your gentle, loving kiss, placed so tenderly upon my tear stained cheek,
Slowly, ever so slowly, I begin to drift into a world I can forget, just for a little while.
Again, tonight, resting is just not meant to be, as droplets of tears well inside my closed eyes, as I ache to feel you near me,
Just to hear you say 'don't worry, my darling, everything is going to be ok', but how can it be?
You don't even know where I am in this massive universe.
I sob uncontrollably into my pillow, trying desperately to drown out the sorry, wails of my own pain,
The soreness I had created myself, believing you did not love me somewhat,
Now laid lonesome, my judgement impaired, once again, that you would loath me furthermore if I returned.
My Lord, is this how I am going to feel for the rest of eternity? ,
My compensation for unintentionally hurting the one man I ever truly loved, also family and friends who had no idea I was departing.
If only my head was unconfused, if only I had took heed, most days you knew me better than I knew myself,
My existence would not be this vacant, blank, because you would have rooted me, revied me.
I am so so sorry, I not only didn't, I couldn't hear you.
Please forgive me.