I'm Not Me... Poem by Rogue Scorpio

I've been stuck in this rut, a rut that has a hold on me. Pulling me down further and further. Drowning in my self loathe. I'm tired, tired of a continuous loop of trying to bring that spark back, but I keep being denied. Denied, do you know how that feels? You have absolutely no idea. You're stuck behind a computer screen. You have no idea how others feel.
I've had many thoughts of leaving you, but always thought that you would self destruct. Something I cannot bare to watch. I've thought of leaving this cruel world forever, and just wishing you would be the one to change my mind. The thing is, you're not. You're not holding me back, I am. The dogs are, Jack is, my son, but not you. I have no connections to you anymore. All we have together is a piece of paper that shares our signatures. The signatures that joined us together on October 13,2017.
I'm tired of reaching out, and all I get is nothing in return. I'm tired. I'm tired of putting my life on pause, because you're afraid of moving away. Not because of Landon, because you have no connections to him whatsoever. You're afraid of leaving your dad behind, yet when we're in trouble either a car down or financial, you don't want his help.
I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm FUCKING TIRED! All I want to do is leave, but instead I sit here to just keep to myself. I keep the fact that I'm miserable, depressed, suicidal, and just alone. I scream daily, yet you'll never hear me. I cry every night, but you'll never see me. Someone who claims to love me, had absolutely no idea how I feel.
I use to be out spoken, I use to be ditsy, but in a cute way. I use to have dreams of our future, of MY future. I now feel nothing. NOTHING! I use to be warm and cozy in your arms, but now it's nothing but a cold shoulder. As many times as I scream for help, you will never look back, and now I know why.
You feel the same way I feel. We both just don't want to hurt the other. So we stay silent, and pretend nothing is wrong. We go our separate ways, knowing we will never meet at the fork. Knowing we will never be on the same path. We continue to lie to people we trust and love. We continue on with our lives, even though we know that we aren't one. We will never be. You're not you, and I'm not me.