Inflection Infection Date Written 14/7/2007 Poem by Clare McWilliams

I met a man with inflection infection,
It was only a minor niggling imperfection.
But I couldn't get past it- it made me uptight,
Something in the tone of his voice wasn't right!

This subtle detection, made with mine ear,
Was discovered whilst we sat drinking some beer.
Maybe this condition was due to his biology?
This irritating, bizarre and coded terminology.

Correction was needed- could be a pitch alteration?
To rid my world of this awful contagion.
This baffling monologue, becoming very hum-drum,
Would somebody please anesthetise my ear-drum?

Urge of performing severe electrocution.
Vocal chords frying, cooking elocution.
Yes, even in prison, conjugation is permitted
But this syntactical relation must be omitted!

As I sat there beside him, I came to a junction,
I protested at his use of grammatical function.
With his dreadful intonation- this man who was infected,
Turned on me and vehemently objected;

My conjugation of verb- does nought to preturb,
My declension of noun- would make nobody frown,
My use of affix- is an elegant mix,
And my geometric curve- is full of verve.

My gift of the gab- it is ultimately fab,
The timbre of my vowel- does not fall foul.
You see, you are just a language disenter,
Don't you understand, Woman, complicated benter?

'Banter' I said to this complete idiot,
I gave up, I could only pity it
'Man', said I, 'that's complete claptrap,
Utter gibberish - your mouth's a useless flap! '

' Your inflective infective does much to disturb,
Your incessant wittering you must try to curb!
A dictionary you've eaten- that i understand
This doesn't aid the realisation- your conversation's very bland.

I'd love to stay for intellectual chat,
But the truth is I'd have to go elsewhere for that!
So this little imbecile with inflection infection
Caused my legs to move and perform a defection!