Internalized Oppression Poem by Cheryl L. DaytecYañgot

He just left for an errand
He says

Yet again,
I
am
descending
into

the
snake
pit
of
doubts
Or
paranoia.
Or
madness
What’s the difference?
Sanity is failing me
In my mind I see them
A rose in hand, he knocks
on her door
She had been anticipating
This moment of solitude
The blissful spell
in each other’s arms

I flounder in self-flagellation
Suddenly,
I am a
prowler
not with
my eyes

Compunction stabs me for
invading their private space
even in my mind
My torment shatters my heart
My guilt flirts with my pain

With soon-to-be illicit memories
they load the precious pilfered hours
Every space must
be filled with a kiss, a touch
or, when self-reproach triumphs over,
just an awkward, eloquent smile
(After all, nature abhors a vacuum.)

Perhaps, he feels like a good
soldier betraying his country
or Abraham on the verge of
slaying his beloved Isaac
for his God
He never hurt me before this
How does knowing my existence
in the flesh and blood affect her?
Does she hear an inner voice say
good women do not
their sisters oppress?
Does she squirm in remorse at
her dissoluteness?
Beyond her own, can she see
the wounds gnawing
at my heart?

Or does ecstasy however
tabooed obliterate all thoughts
of me and my sorrow?

She loves him
completely as I do
Sometimes I catch him smiling
at nothing
and then I know:

Nothing is
everything
about her

She makes him happy
I love him too much not to
want that for him

If it comes down to a choice
I would be picked out
She gets a broken heart
Would it give me mirth?
I cannot
print my
signature
on another
woman’s grief
Every woman’s sorrow is
a mirror of my own
I am every woman’s mirror

I am tempted to slacken my grip
Let him run, run into her arms
I am tempted to release him from
his vows
Let them spend eternity together
without me riding heavy on
their conscience
upsetting their arcadia
But how about me?

I am holding on to a delicate thread,
my link to sanity
Even the lake water distends along
its thoroughfare to the sea
The volcano flares up when
its patience is tested beyond
the fence of its berth

I do not know how long
I can keep the dam
from breaking
I must hold the fort

A cry for myself
is a campaign waged
against a sister’s happiness.

(for MCU)

16 June 2007