I've Been Crying. In Pain. In Fear. For Help. Poem by Lealynne Peterson

Why don't they see it.
Why don't they care.
I'm practically screaming.
I've been gasping for air.

For years I've been drowning.
Water filling my lungs.
They're collapsing now.
But I've spent all my cries for help.

I've had to learn asking doesn't work.
Begging's a lost cause.
People say that they care.
But they give up when they see my true flaws.

People love me, they do.
But would they notice me gone?
They sure don't notice my suffer.
They sure don't see I'm breaking at the seams.

I don't know why I'm still here.
Why my thoughts haven't deemed me dead.
I have no one anymore.
I just want to cry in my bed.

But my pillows are soaked.
Stained with mascara smudged tears.
I sob when I wake up.
Wishing overnight I had disappeared.

I just want to be loved.
To be held.
To be safe.
But everyone who has "loved me" takes it back when they see just how hard I break.

When I crash.
When I shatter.
When I scream.
When I shout.

When I'm holding the knife to my neck.

I'm sick of trying to explain it.
The story's too long.
I don't want you to get it.
I want you to love me regardless.

I want to break down.
And cry so hard I can't breathe.
Tears so fast they blind me.
And my face is red and ugly.

And you don't care if I'm a mess.
If I'm sick and broken.
You hold me.
Wipe away my tears.

Tell me "hush. I see the unspoken"
You can see my pain.
And you see that it's true.
And it's real.

I promise I'm not just trying to get attention.
I promise I want to get better.
I promise if I didn't feel like death was the only choice, I wouldn't be saying and thinking those things.

But I feel like I have no other way out.
No escape.
There's no end.

Why am I so fucking unlovable?
What is there that I need to get rid of?

Am I too clingy?
I do latch on when someone actually tries to listen.
I get obsessed.
But it's just because I get hopeful.
That I'm finally not alone.

Or is it because I try to run?
Or mess things up?
I denied I was trying to for the longest time, but I finally realized.
I get scared, cause I notice you try to get distant.
So instead of getting my heart broken again, and being helpless. Again.
I make myself the bad guy. Hopefully if you hate me, I can live with it ending.

I'm getting scared.
I tell you.
You hear, but you don't SEE.
You don't understand.

When you go to the doctor, and they ask you to rate your pain on a scale,
If you've ever experienced something excruciating, the scale becomes flawed.

I think my scale is flawed.
Way out of proportion.
It's so self centered, but I don't think anyone truly understands the pain I feel in my heart everyday.

How it feels like the veins in my heart are too thin for my blood when I see a kid with happy, married parents.

How my stomach burns like I swallowed acid when I see a happy couple.

How I wish I could rip my ears off at the sound of a love song.

I want it.
A family that's not broken.
Parents who love each other.
A partner who doesn't terrify me that they're gonna leave.

I want happiness.

I want to be loved even a portion of the amount I love everyone else.