Steven Antunez

[j]ust Kil[l] Me - Poem by Steven Antunez

It hurts when you wake up one day
and everything is filled with love
but the next you tell me to just go away
please just stray, because everything I promised you
Is in the past now, its just blown away.

I never thought I’d know love, but then I met you
It just never hit me In that way
Until that one fated night in my room
There was symphonies playing in the air
from a melancholic movie about a woman
who even in death waited for her true loves flair

If only I had know that like her
I wouldn’t get what I wanted in the end
and die alone crumbling into dust forever
Then I wouldn’t have let you through my barrier
where a sea of love waited for you and I
inside my hearts interior

But it wasn’t enough
At first there was someone in our way
A man of ear, who was never rough.
I begged and begged for you to stay
and at some point I almost gave up
Until that fateful day.
Where you chose my hand instead.

And even though you didn’t want to be more than friends at first
I begged and begged for you to reconsider
because I knew deep down you shared my hearts flutter
Every day I’d tell you I love you
and you would constantly ask “In what way? ”
I always thought “From here to the Moon”
But you’d never accept it that way

I always feared losing you
Because although you felt mine
you hadn’t committed to be intertwined
And so over my love I put on a mask.
It was sown of the jealousy of my mind.
And thus a promise was created
to guarantee a time where, at least partially, you’d be mine

It was perfect until someone from my past showed up
a secret love of six years that my heart could not let go
Even though it was merely an illusion and completely made up
And for a few months we drifted apart
For even though I loved you with all my heart
I couldn’t help but imagine what It’d be like after our promise was up..
So I sought to my illusion hoping it would fill that nearing void in my life,
when you would go, and I’d be alone

And it got to the point to where Susy we went..
it was then that you said
that after this day the promise would be bent
It was soon after that it would be over anyway
so I kept on going waiting for that person to say:
“I love you Steven, more than the light in the day”
But it never happened
and my illusion hardened and crumbled like clay

Then on or around the day I was to walk,
and the promise would have decayed
You neared me and asked:
“Steven, will you forgive me? ”
“I never realized what I had until it was gone,  
and I want this life to be just you and I”

And that day I wished for had finally come,
when you would be by my side even though I’d soon be gone
I felt so happy to finally have someone I could love
Because it was a love I’d seen no one else harbour
It felt almost absolute, something not even God himself could muster..

Soon after we both had to part ways.
I remember it was a sad, sad day
We were both laying on the floor
wishing we could just permanently lock the door
so that we would never, ever have to depart…

But time went on and as far apart as we were
I still felt the pull of our connected strings woven together
And for a while it went perfectly.. even though I always felt lonely
We’d talk on the phone and I always felt like you were right there next to me
I’d close my eyes and pretend your hands were around me,
that your sweet breath was keeping me alive like sugar to a tree

Then one day something horrible happened
A wandering soul interfered in our life
When I think about it now, it’s like stabbing myself with a knife
A name of the most common this person had
I can’t believe I betrayed you, I really deserve to die
The only reason I did it was because I really needed someone by my side
But I realized all I need was you and I cried

So I decided I had hurt you enough and I didn’t deserve you anymore
So I found someone else to push you away 
because I was horrible and I would never deserve you again anyway
It hurt so much to let you go 
But I kept thinking that I’d suffer, while you’d start a new flow..
Soon after things started to slowly return to normal
and we were friends again, but I still loved you

I was surprised because we continued like normal..
Like everything I had done was just unreal…
And one day you told me that when you joined me far away..
You’d ask for my hand again
So I decided to wait
Because It was then that I realized that what we had 
was something that could never be broken..
A love so strong not even the moon could pull on

Time went on and I could only think of you..
Nothing else mattered when I went home
because all I went back for was you..
But then you got busy and I didn’t want to bother you..
It was your final year and you had stuff to do…

At the time I was depressed for many reasons
and I hardly ever touched any form of communication
I’d go weeks without uttering a word
But i guess that was my fault
because I couldn’t make any friends in my small world
And even though I wouldn’t always reply to you
Your messages made me less blue
They would always remind me that there was someone out there
who cared about the monster on the moon
The one with no friends, who would sing nary a tune…

But now you’ve told me from one day to another
that I’m not worth it anymore
and that all those promises we made are in the shredder
You don’t know how much that hurts me,  
I had planned too many things for us to just not be together…
And now I cannot imagine you being with another..
Because when that happens I won’t be able to utter,
another word to you for I will eternally suffer…

If I could I’d give you a knife and tell you to [J]ust Kil[L] me
Because anything is better than watching you leave
I’d promise you the rest of my life if I could
But you said you’d never do that with me
And thinking of that makes my wrists bleed
Because this world means nothing to me if I can’t have you..

If you could take it in your heart to remember,
that day you begged me to be with you
because you hadn’t realized what you wanted until you thought it was gone forever
Well now the table is turned and I now beg you to reconsider
Because I promise this poem I will never meet another
because I love you, and I’ll never, Be tired of you, ever

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Poem Submitted: Friday, May 27, 2011

Poem Edited: Wednesday, June 1, 2011

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