John 'Asshat' Stevenson

John 'Asshat' Stevenson - Poem by John 'Asshat' Stevenson

I am John 'Asshat' Stevenson. 'Asshat' is my nickname because I am an asshat. I do asshat-ish things. I live for asshatterry. I don't like poetry. I don't like most poets. I am a spelling Nazi, except when it comes to words that aren't words but should be (Like 'Asshat') . I am not, however, a Grammar Nazi. Grammar isn't as simple as spelling, and so I don't care as much about grammatical mistakes. But if you make a spelling mistake, in spite of the spell check available here, I will comment angrily on your poor spelling. Spell stuff right. It's easy. Just use the spell check. Seriously. It's automatic. My asshat's are all underlined in red, because spell check doesn't acknowledge the importance of the word 'asshat'. At no point did I turn on spell check. It was already on. This may seem like a description of me, but it's actually a poem. One of those crappy free-verse ones, the ones my teachers always said had no rules. By that standard, anything could be considered poetry, as long as you say 'It's poetry'. So that's what this is. A crappy free-verse poem. Now, in reference to the asshats I've written here. They are not any of the words this thing says not to use, but I know someone might think they're similar. They're not. Asshat is an important word, especially when it comes to poetry, so it would be unethical of the moderators of Poemhunter to censor it. Yeah. I'm done here. I hope you haven't read through this whole thing expecting to find some hidden gem of brilliant poetry. You won't (unless you do that thing poetry fans often do, you know, coming up with idiotic reasons why it's poetic) . I'm not putting you down if you've read this though. I get it. You might be really bored, and I don't blame you for reading it. Even if you knew you wouldn't get any joy out of reading it. That's the kind of thing I would do, because when I start something, I prefer to finish it, no matter how tedious and boring it gets (the one exception is the movie 'Surviving Christmas'. It's the worst movie ever created. Not opinion. Fact. Incontestable fact. Even after watching ninety-five percent of the movie, I had to walk out about five minutes before it ended. I couldn't take it any more. It was that awful. I couldn't even take it for five more minutes. If you've seen the entire movie, I pity you. And if anyone ever asks to watch it with you, take it from them and destroy it. Burning it in a volcano or crematorium would be preferable, but anything will do. No matter what, do not watch this movie. Don't do it. Consider yourself warned.) . One last thing you should know, before leaving this page or commenting on it. I'm a very arrogant person. People who know me in real life would tell you I'm humble, but in my head, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to the world. And I am. Because I say so. And what I say goes. Because I'm so frigging awesome.
Sincerely, John 'Asshat' Stevenson.

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Poem Submitted: Friday, April 8, 2011

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