King Charles Ii: Not On The Nhs Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Not happening on the battlefield, or by the headsman's axe,
King Charles died in his bed,
Surrounded by spaniels, friends, and family

There are easier ways to go:
Death by doctors was a harrowing form of death

Preparing to shave, the monarch
Fell to the floor, suffered a series of fits.

Six royal physicians rushed to his majesty's aid
They relieved him of 16 ounces of blood
They put heated cups to his skin, to form blisters
They drained off8 ounces of his blood.
They gave the patient drugs to make him vomit
They gave him an enema to purify his bowels,
They gave him a purgative to cleanse his intestines.
They force fed him blackthorn and rock salt in a syrup
They shaved his head and caused his scalp to blister
They inserted an irritant powder up his nostrils,
They applied cow-slip flowers to his stomach
They applied pigeon droppings to his feet.
They opened his jugular veins and bled him 10 ounces.
They feed him a potion of cherries, peony, lavender, andcrushed pearls.
They fed him senna pods crushed in spring water
Theygave him white wine mixed together with nutmeg.
They made him drink 40 drops of extract of human skull
They made him eat a gallstone from an East Indian goat.
They administered Jesuit's Powder; quinine laced with opium and wine.
They finally poured ammonia down his throat
They opened his jugular veins

No paid assassin could have killed him better
Heavy is the head that bears the crown

King Charles, weak, in agony
Kissed his children and mistresses goodbye
And asked for the curtains of his room to be opened
To see the sun on the Thames for one last time.

"I have suffered much more than you can imagine...
You must pardon me, gentlemen,
for being a most unconscionable time a-dying."

Today, he'd have been treated on the NHS for:
uraemia, malaria, mercury poisoning, chronic nephritis,
and probably syphilis too

And might have lived to see over 100 years
With repeat prescriptions, Viagra, and kidney transplants