Life... Again... Poem by Kath Hochh

Part of me feels like telling him where it all was wrong,
but what good does that do? None.
What's done is done. Just stop making
the same mistakes, again and again.
I say to myself, not him.

Where do I begin? In the shower today?
When I realize that my body and 'youth' is wasting,
though had I not wasted it in my youth,
it might not be wasting away now? I'd have a husband,
a partner, a father and more, but instead
I enjoyed friviously to MY own dismay!

I ask God for forgiveness, for the stupid, selfish things
I've done. Like not respect my body, give in to my fears.
I thought I was being 'good', but still, the devil delights...
Had I been more prudent, I might
have another by my side.

Life has been hard, and still I pound through,
working hard, but not smart - as my ex would say too.
Uh, how could I have been so stupid? ? ?
I struggle with ALL my mistakes every day.
No one to hold my hand, cook, shop or clean or
stay and take care of my girls and me.
It's all just a dream. Is that all it'll ever be?

It sucks! And I only have myself to blame.
Ziggy hit so true and 'he'll' never leave my side.
He'll is just a word seperated by a hyphen from hell.

So sometimes I think/say: I don't want another one.
Not true. I do. But, I can't picture who he'd be? To deal with me?
I know what I want. No more 'love' before he takes my hand.
The 'old fashioned' way, that's true. T'is what is right,
just not sure I trust myself to make that stand.

It has to be, I know it from my heart.
A true friend, before a lover, that's what's forever.
And love and sex, and intimacy are so important to me;
I will not compromise on any or I'll have none!
Or... have some - by way of the devil's pleasure? I won't!

Someone who sais what they'll do, but won't, I don't need.
I close my eyes and caress myself. Not improperly, always.
I think of the man I want. And dream and hope. And hold myself.