Maybe I Wasn't Clear Enough Poem by Zylar Brady

It wasnt that bad, I tried to pretend
He didn't mean any harm, I tell myself again.
I say he was desperate, like that makes it better.
I tell myself I should've been louder.

I tried to move his hands away,
He shakes his head and his hands stay.
I say stop once, it goes unheard
I say it twice, but it's a useless word.

My hands push, my chest tightens, and then my heart jumps
He shakes his head, and my body thumps
Maybe I wasnt clear enough.

I'm tired of using my voice when I know it won't be heard.
So I sit there and let it happen, thinking it won't hurt.
My voice feels small, my body weak
Suddenly, he kissed me on the cheek.

That's when I remind myself he doesn't mean harm
As his hands travel over me while I sit in his arms.
One's on my chest, the other way lower
While I lean back in an attempt to cower.

He smiles until I move his hands
His face darkens… Almost like he's mad
I swallow down a lump in my throat
As he covers us back up with his coat.

I shake my head and tell him no
But his hand only continues to travel low,
I tell him stop and grab his hand.
When he grabs both of mine and continues his act.

I feel like I've lost all of my control
Like I made a deal with the devil and no longer have a soul.
I stay quiet as his freehand roams my body,
Treating me like another one of his hobbies.

I tell myself it's in my head
That it's not a big deal and I wanted it.
In reality that's not the case,
I just don't want him to take the blame.

Once he stops I force a smile
Acting like I wanted it and it was worthwhile
He smiles back then it's time to go
I guess the only thing he wanted was to put on a show.

As soon as he's gone I feel trapped in my skin
Telling myself it's nothing and that I'll get over it
The cycle repeats nearly every day,
I just don't know how to stay away.