My Childhood

Growing up with large expectations,
either real or just in my head,
Felt like I had to be the leader of nations,
A founder of foundations,
Stay away from any and all temptations,
Always studying at workstations,
Daddy a Scientist and mama a teacher,
So I couldn't be anything lesser,
But that only added to the pressure,
At first it was easy cause I learned for pleasure,
But as 1+1 turned to calculus,
I slowly stopped caring what my average was,
Especially when I started having my accidents,
Missing pills intentionally hoping for paralysis,
But only really damaging my kidneys, soon I'll need a dialysis,
Growing up, my dad never complained,
My first image of what a man was,
So even if sometimes I strained,
I usually would keep it all contained,
Many others had it worse in my country,
Many wages added to not much monthly,
Kids often went home more hungrily,
So I would feel guilty about expressing feelings of difficulty,
Mommy usually said "you have it good",
or "I was born when the weather nice",
But only could see my external state,
Inside I'm just dying for a break,
To be imperfect and for it to be okay,
To get a sigh of relief to ease some pain away,
Dad said be a doctor or something with a large pay,
In a perfect world honestly I'd be an artist,
In this world I know that wouldn't be the smartest,
They say you ripe what you sew,
But I don't know when's my harvest,
I feel so lost and hopeless,
Hoping one day I'm brave enough to show this,
To you and her,
and maybe get some closure,
But until that day,
I'll keep my emotions locked away.
Sunday, June 24, 2018
Topic(s) of this poem: childhood ,guilty,pain
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