Not Another One...Better Yet Two. Poem by hazel jackson

What is wrong with me? Is it something i sayed or something I do or dont do? I can't be losing my mind...you had one that was enough but now theirs 2 more...REALLY...im starting to think maybe I pushed you to do this, I don't know it feels like it was my doing but then again, another part of me thinks 'No, baby girl it wasn't you...its just his ego'.. he hasn't had enough yet you've told him he wasn't ready yet he denied that and said he was...because in his words your his world, but if that's true why would you hide your phone and delete messages as if you know or you knew I may or may not go through it.
If I ever go through it, it will only be because I felt you weren't being completely honest with me...and I can honestly say I've felt that way recently...ive felt that you would step out on me in this relationship and if I were to do it you wouldn't be able to take it. Crazy how that works it's like saying it's ok to hurt the one you love secretly and unknowingly to her but she isn't allowed to hurt you in any type of way...but im starting to see that 'Hurt people really do hurt people'.
I know your hurt, life's been planting your face in the dirt and levaing you with bruises and other scars you can't erase or let go..you hold on to it because it's what your use to, so you look for it to happen again and again and again til you can't take it anymore your only way out is to run and hurt others. It's not fair...you gained my heart, body, and mind you dont see that I've placed my heart on your sleeve and you've already been chipping at it, those small pieces hurt more than you know and im so afraid to feel the pain when you actually break it.
I told you I feared a broken heart because I know it's going to change me and I'm not trying to change but maybe I need too. I told you I didn't like titles and that it was a reason why I had been alone for so long yet you looked over it. Maybe you remember it, maybe you don't, but you're starting to hurt my heart in ways that I was trying to avoid and it's not fair now, if I have to do what I gotta do to get even so that you feel what I feel, then I will, but the thing is, I don't want to hurt you. I don't ever want to do anything to hurt you and even though all this is going on. Like I said before, I still f****** love you so f****** much. And that now im questioning my sanity and if i'm really being honest with myself, I used to think if I get with him, will he do with me, what he did with her will you step out on our relationship and hurt my heart? I know I found myself.Thank you, and I am crazy for loving this man crying in a result, often waking up on a wet pillow with tears, he never knew I cried..... I guess we'll find out how this will all go