Play By Saidu Tejan-Thomas Poem by Angello Mitchell

I have never called myself survivor
Survivor implies I fought
A glorious fight
A trail of dead men at my feet
Sword hoisted up against the sun
And all their hands are no more

Survivor implies it happened in the wilderness
Somewhere far far away from home

It was a normal afternoon with nothing to do
After the hot sun and boredom forced me inside
I searched for my cousin
Flung open the door to his room
And found him under my uncle

His mouth wet
My uncle lifts his head and explains

This is what big kids do for un

And i’m six
I brush my teeth
I dress myself
I am a big kid
I’m no baby
I can play
Let me play
I see how much fun you’re having uncle
I can see it
This bed sheet is just like twister
Put your hands in all the difficult places
Let me prove myself
I promise I won’t tell papa what were doing in the pillow fort

Of the parts of me I still have nicknames
For displease let me play

Let me play
Let me play

I asked for this

So I cannot call myself survivor
If it felt more like family game night.

Afterwards he taught me the taste of soap
How to scrub away traces of the truth

How to rinse and repeat the word “secret”
I have not told this to anyone in my family

Instead I puff myself I punch
I punch I lift weights
I laugh at other people’s weakness
I am strong
I know how to fight now

Do you know I can choke the predator out of you now
Do you know I can pummel the truth out of you now
Cousin do you know i have been training for 16 years by beating myself up
I’m a man now
no one calls me survivor

No one knows what to call me
I know don't know what to call myself

I tell myself my mother doesn't need to make this pain hurt less
I told myself I dont need her song
I don't wish she could rise from the dead and wish she could hold me in her bones
To wipe my tears tell me i didn't know what i was doing that i was too innocent to know how to fight

teach me to forget mama
give me a name again

I have only called myself “bitch, gay, coward” I just want to forgive
To stop blaming myself
Then maybe my memories wouldn't have teeth
Like the one’s of my uncle’s mouth