Pondering The Same Old Entry Poem by Andrus Cassian

The facial expression I wear; it gives nothing away
says nothing to no one except the mirror only to scream 'HELP ME'
There's no doubt that I've been this way before
I only thought I closed the door
not pessimistic, just melancholy yet so optimistic
Things are complicated, so complicated
could it be that I am clueless
it's part of the million haunting reasons
but the world decided to give me its weighted issues
and let my shoulders do the rest
though it leaves my only two greatest friends and family in peril
yet when push comes to shove intangible I return
ready for a fight
and in my mind, I always ponder the same old entry
Will the world ever accept me for the real me
I feel as if it may once I erase my clueless title
then on the other hand, maybe I deserve it
I've constantly placed irresponsibly the ones I care for in danger
I'm the never ending punchline of a school housed joke
I'm at the bottom of the food chain
And the only one who deems me as somebody important
has a reserved spot in the ejecter chair
for my reckless rejection infatuation with someone
who loves the part of me I try to keep secret
I've always wanted to be someone other than this
I've always wanted something more than this
even though I've complained before, it was all fake
I have no complaints
just a few mistakes that I wish I could erase
How could I be the hero when I'm just the zero
how many times does my story have to repeat and fall back on me
I've tried playing hero before, just being my real self
but denying the part of me that makes me who I am
all my seasons before I leave sealed wit a miss
The last one ripping me apart
just leaving me a single kiss on the cheek
I was the blue rose she wanted
until I turn intangible and the rose withered away
but it gave way to my real feelings
don't remember when I noticed
could've been the day her eyes captivated me
at our first high school dance
my final season has ended, sealed with a memorable kiss
the whole world knows my identities
my name in both senses
I just changed my last name so someone
would notice something different
nobody has except for one
I love every minute I've spent with her
and under her clouds of black, I know I'm her warmth
I could say I don't love her but I'd be lying to everyone including myself