Private Uncertainties Poem by Thubelihle Chance Ntombela

my name is Chance,
5ft4
twenty something years old
and i'm half alive i guess.
i was born a woman
but never really felt like one.
my body doesn't always know who i am.
as i write this, i am hurting and i don't know why.
i'm not religious,
i stopped praying to god
when he ghosted my prayers at 6.
at 16,
i started writing about my pain
but it was translated into poetry.
i've recently learnt about the term
non-binary
which i basically predict as genderless
so yes, i'm genderless.
i don't look like my mother,
wouldn't say much about my father
because i don't know what he even looked like.
there is always something
disturbingly wrong with me,
i want to die all the time
but this doesn't matter because the world has bigger problems than my depression.
shut up, we all get sad sometimes.
i'm not so good at being an adult,
i break down on grocery store isle
i cry when a movie character die
i'm always hauling ghosts across town
and forever late on rent.
i've spent a lifetime trying to wake up
feeling less tired.
i don't step outside without counting to ten,
maybe 20.
don't know how to see the bad in people
crying myself to sleep at night
is a thing now,
i cry until i feel my sadness vibrating through my
bones.
i hate love,
i'll tell you a funny story one day
about how i loved someone so much
i forgot what it's like to want to die.
i don't know how to let go of people
sometimes it's easier for me to convince myself
that i'm better off alone
but i'm not so good at being alone.
i'm Chance,
i think i used to have a good heart
but i can barely remember who i was before i met her.
i'd like to feel a little less
i'd like to close my eyes without seeing Jason's body,
a little less human.

Chance Ntombela 2022© | He Wrote