Put To Rest (2005) Poem by Patrick Wescott

I have hated you with the very core of my being.
I have despised your very existence at times.
My life was shaped by the harsh childhood you bestowed on me.
And yet, I am who I am because of the pain, hatred, and raw emotion you made me feel.

With every hit, I learned right from wrong.
With every harsh word, I learned to try harder.
Every moment spent wishing you were gone,
has only made me a better parent for my own child.

With every degradation, I learned to stand on my own.
With every criticism, I learned to be happy with myself.
And every belittling word uttered, made me appreciate those I love.

Oh, I learned you were honorable.
A soldier who served so I could be proud of him.
A cold warrior who came to realise he didnt want his sons sent off to war.

But I could never be the little toy soldier you wanted.
My opinions were always my own, and you could not shape them.
And yet in me, you were always seen.
In my anger I had become that which fired my rage.

We made peace of a sort, as once more you went off for god and country.
In the early hours we talked for the first time in all of my life.
A relief, but hollow joy, as you never heard my words.

And now, years later, I watch you go a second time.
I wonder if either of us really knows the other.
Do you ever wonder as I tell my son words I've never heard from you?
Do you ever think what if? and ponder a life you squandered away.

This time you shall not return, you have used up all of your lives.
We the survivors will deal with our memories as we see fit.
We will still hate, that can not be put to rest.
But we will cry, for in the end you are our father.