Reflections In Autumn Poem by Victoria Hardy

Life was lost in that silence of night.
Once again, there,
We had come to a deadlock
Reminding you
Cutting my breath
drowning me in wishes
and killing me with if's
But silencing with good-byes.

Caught at night,
To the one I escaped in daylight
And you were the only one
Even when escaping that ı
Found myself arriving.
Why was it always you?
That I was looking for…
The one that I scribbled on
Remembering, however, the best things in life
Are hidden
Under those rough drafts.
I know you'll still be there
When I turn that page.
My blood freezes,
Till I dont feel the cold anymore.
Thoughts come to an end
But if's, lots of if's
Keep haunting me.
If,
Because if the life stops for any of us
And if I regret,
I regret because I couldnt forgive you
And not forgive myself forever…
And what if
An enormous feeling of regret
Will keep haunting me every night?
Scares me a lot.
I look at your eyes nightly
But you never see me.
Maybe you became the wind
Or maybe you're hidden in the melodies.
Yes I know it is true.
Because ı feel you.
But fear won't let me go…
The fear of never forgiving myself
For I did not forgive you
For ı closed the door purposely
When, in fact, I wanted it open.
Isn't the heart of a woman
Consists of secret rooms though?
But what if you'll hold the key forever?
And what if I'll be locked?
Questions…never end.
Secrets…
Nights…
Dreams…
Reflections dont stop.
I want to sleep.
As if I'll find the key in another planet.
Because dreams are my favourite
And everything's a reflection in this world
Which I take to a far away land.
And which I find when I sleep only.
Frames…
Melodies…
Characters…
But I need more music
The noises of the leaves…
They're insufficient
To take me away.
I'm still looking for it…
Finally I'm dragged to autumn then
Maybe I'll get lost,
But I know it's better
Than to tolerate the truth.
I close my eyes and,
Frames…
Melodies…
Characters…
Leaves are drifting away…
Wind blows, sometimes you're there
And sometimes not.
Wind doesn't always show you either
And once again I accuse myself
Because dreams are offended too;
Hiding you from me.
And the key is still lost…