The Character Poem by David Lewis Paget

I'd got to the final editing
Of my manuscript, last night,
When one of the characters in the gloom
Popped up, he wanted a fight.
‘That isn't the way I see myself,
This storyline must cease,
Look at the way you blackened my name,
I'm the villain of the piece.'

‘You are what I said you are, ' I said,
‘Don't bring your complaints to me,
If I'd not written you into the plot
Then you wouldn't even be.'
‘You writers are just so arrogant, '
He said, not blinking an eye,
‘You make such a mess of people's lives,
And don't even tell them why.'

‘I needed a villain, ' I replied,
‘I thought it best be you,
I don't consult with my characters
When telling them what to do.'
‘That's just the point, ' said Barry O'Flynn,
‘You sign each life away,
So why did you give me an Irish name,
Put me in the I.R.A? '

‘You made me a Catholic too, ' he said,
‘I'm really an atheist, '
‘Well, how could I have possibly known? '
He said, ‘That's why I'm pissed!
You've made the gorgeous Caroline Cam
Be in love with the hero, Kim,
I don't think he's that much of a man,
So why couldn't I be him? '

Caroline Cam popped up at that
And said, ‘It isn't fair,
You've given me that freckly skin
That goes with orange hair! '
I said, ‘All right, all bloody right,
I'll let you have your way,
But both of you will totally screw
My plot, whatever I say.'

Now Caroline is a lush brunette
And is going with O'Flynn,
While Kim is in the I.R.A.
And soon will be shooting him.
While Caroline's in the dungeon with
The rats of Castle Clare,
That Kim would once have saved her from,
Now change that, if you dare!

14 December 2017