The Contradiction Of Being Poem by James Haedle

An exercise in self-discovery, identity and the peculiar business of existence.

I was asked, How are you, my friend?

A colourful wheel of emotions offered an assortment of answers, thirteen of which I eventually claimed as my own. Interestingly, only one found common ground with another person's assessment of me:
1. Creative.
Perhaps that is the first lesson in self-discovery: the person we present to the world is not always the person we encounter in private.

2. I am MAD, not necessarily in the conventional sense, but in the curious unpredictability of my conduct. There may be a pattern to my madness, although it might take patience to recognise it.

3. I am SELFISH, in the sense that my generosity has boundaries. I give where I find reason to give, but I do not consider every burden my responsibility. I imagine loving a child differently, perhaps because I would see something of myself in them. With a spouse, however, reciprocity would matter. Even affection, it seems, has its negotiations.

4. I am SARCASTIC, and often APATHETIC. Disrespect rarely earns my immediate attention. I can observe a provocation without feeling compelled to participate in it. Perhaps this is composure; perhaps it is indifference. The distinction is sometimes known only to the person experiencing it.

5. I am BORED by many things that excite the crowd.
6. Yet I am CONTENT with the prospect of a simple life, adequate resources and peace of mind. I have never quite understood the necessity of celebrating everything collectively.

7. I am RESPONSIVE. Give me shade when the sun is unforgiving, and I could hug a tree. I appreciate presence, reciprocate sincerity and sometimes expect the same energy I willingly extend. Perhaps this is both my warmth and my vulnerability.

8. I am IMPORTANT, simply because I am. My existence does not require a committee's approval or an audience's applause.
I am 9. DISCERNING, or at least I believe myself capable of recognising when sincerity is absent.
10. And I am AMUSED, often by the peculiar theatre of human behaviour, including my own.

11. I am CREATIVE. Ideas arrive with an enthusiasm that my circumstances cannot always accommodate. I have imagined more things than I have managed to build, and perhaps therein lies my greatest frustration: not a shortage of possibility, but the difficulty of giving possibility a permanent address.

12. I am SUBMISSIVE where understanding and agreement permit it. I can follow rules, respect authority and concede a position when communication is clear. I do not consider every disagreement a battle worth fighting.

13. And finally, I am INADEQUATE. Not necessarily because I believe myself incapable, but because I recognise the distance between my potential and my present circumstances. There are stages I imagine occupying, contributions I imagine making, and possibilities that remain suspended between ambition and opportunity.

Perhaps inadequacy is sometimes the grief of an unrealised possibility.

Yet, beneath these thirteen descriptions lies another contradiction.

I desire peace, but my mind rarely seems short of activity. I value detachment, yet appreciate connection. I can be indifferent to the crowd but responsive to an individual. I believe I am important, yet occasionally feel inadequate. I want little from life, yet imagine so much within it.

And there are moments when even the business of existence feels like an attachment I would gladly surrender. Not necessarily an escape from life's experiences, but a longing for a silence beyond identity, expectation and obligation. I acknowledge that such recurring thoughts deserve care and understanding, not romanticisation.

Perhaps I am not a collection of contradictions waiting to be reconciled. Perhaps I am simply a human being whose different selves emerge under different circumstances.

The wheel asked me how I was.

I gave it thirteen answers.

None was the entire truth, but neither was any necessarily a lie.

Maybe the art of knowing oneself is not choosing which description to believe, but having the courage to examine all of them without becoming imprisoned by any.

After all, I am still becoming acquainted with the man who answers when I call myself ME.

-Excerpt of a Day with the Author

By JPHaedle