Wednesday, July 26, 2006

The Folk Dance

Rating: 5.0
I came to visit you
Your eyes lit up the second you saw me
You ran towards me in a pink fluffy dress
Your arms squeezed around my hips
As I put my arms around your chubby shoulders
We embraced for the first time in nine years
I then took your hand and placed it in mine
As we began walking across the greenest grass I have ever seen
We strolled through rocky pavements
We strolled by fields of sunflowers and corn
We strolled across a wooden bridge above a river
We strolled by nearby hills where we saw wild horses, wild turkeys and chickens roaming freely
We even saw swans floating on the nearby river
One night
You told me to dance
The minute I held your tiny hands
I couldn't let go again
We danced to the folk music
I had forgotten the traditional dance
But you held on to me
And were not embarrassed of my forgotten moves
You showed me off
To all your friends
You never stopped smiling
You never stopped dancing
Naive young boys and men wanted to break our dance
But we kept holding on
No one could stop us
No one got between us
We danced the night away
The wine I had made me sweat more
But we kept holding on with sweaty palms
And we danced in circles
We kicked our legs
And I started to learn my homeland's dance again
You started laughing
As you were out of breath
But you didn't look at all tired
Your eyes gleamed
Your energy bloomed minute after minute
You were so happy to dance with me
It was the first time in fifteen years
That the American way of dancing was of no interest to me
It was the first time in nine years that I got to hold you
It was the first time that I have truly danced the folk dance
Without any American moves
Without any American words
Without any thoughts of America
The music pierced through my ears
I can smell the fresh farm air through it
And taste the natural wine
Memories of Romania pierced through my heart
As you held my hand
And danced the Folk dance
Diana Poems
Zoe Smith 26 July 2006
This is a lovely poem but I would suggest you look at your beginning and rather than say you both were so excited twice, instead describe what this looks like and the reader will understand this excitement. It's an opportunity to add more images and it is always best to show rather than tell a reader something in a poem though we all make exceptions. Also, you could add some pictures of your memories of Romania near the end (the same way one would add pictures in an article to let the reader see what you see) . This would sweeten your poem. One tiny other point is you should keep the tense of your poem consistent, so rather than 'can' it should be 'could' since you have adopted past tense. Keep your dance going, it's beautiful
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