The Grandfather With A Complaint- To Spit And Splatt Brothers, A Fictional Company Poem by jasmine maddock

Spit and Splatt Brothers
249 Noway Way
Cacksville
England

Dear Sir with the rheumy nose,
I wish to vociferously make a complaint against your turgid company.
Your secretary, upon me visiting, made me wipe my shoes on her coat
and then licked the dirt as she said it tasted like dark chocolate. Then
she wouldn't give me any information, as I hadn't asked for any. Good
companies who care about their clientele; I being a regular patroniser
of your goods, i.e., I belittle them constantly to friends, neighbours
and the small weirdo in the cake shop, would bend over backwards to
serve and make clients demands a reality. I should have been showered
in cheap A5 leaflets and calling cards.

Then I was made to sit in reception and the TV was so poor in
reception; it had bad reception, and only showed prime time repeats on
BBC1. I want to see 24 hour company videos that use a chronic
stuttering 'actress' from Gormsley sing the praises of your firm that
is now soft and flaccid like a collapsed meringue. Further more, I was not offered any compensation for the faulty goods I did not buy at any stage; a gift voucher and a free alarm clock would have gone down a treat. Hint Hint, etc.

Your self heating barbeque on the patio products may or may not work as
I have never tried them but that is beside the point. I, as a 63 year
old check coat wearing moustached General in the army believe that war
is not war and would like a slice of the action before my moustache
drops off. If you with the rheumy nose cannot deal with my angry complaint then I would graciously ask that your lovely partner, Messrs. Splatt with the
bulldog chin answers pronto. I won't stand or sit for any nonsense, me lad.

Would you like a cup of tea sometime? I believe the Bell and Bong in
Chiswick does a splendid tea with all the non service that you expect
in Anglesey. Bottoms up and slap your boyfriends loo brush.

Yours- General Blattsby- Couragenil.