The Lan O Tea & Tigers (17 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1.Throw the Purdah o Calvin an Holyrood

Cardamom, popadom, jungle an vines
Henna an hinney an swack dauncin quines
Rubies an meensteens an aquamarine
Fite merble palaces fit fur a queen

Suttee an thuggee, stervation, disease
Beggars that crawl ben the dubs on their knees
Dysentery, cholera, these ye can fin
Wi malaria, doon far the broon waiters rin

Turmeric, ginger, biryani an wheat
Poppy seed, aniseed, drummer's belled feet
Cinnamon, tamarind, jasmine an jute
Mustard an nutmeg: the snake chermer's flute

Shanty toon skeletons sleep bi the road
The monsoon fur sheets. Wint's a licht-cairriet load
Hunger an skaith in a cripple's teem bowl
A rickle o beens, aa the cage fur his sowl.

Silverweer, sandalwid, rosewid an spice
Basil an fennel, crushed mango on ice
Canewirk an leatherwirk, silks in fine haas
Jewellery an perfumes in open-air staas

Bollywood adverts hing braw ower the streets
Ower reefs o torn plastic that's hame fur sterved geets
India, India, aulder than time
Far the lotus growes pure fae its birthbed o slime
A tiger wi teeth, baith a purr an a roar,
Yer a lowe in the bluid that the mind canna smore.


2.At Gandhi's Shrine, Raj Ghat

Efter the thrang derk alleys
The stooshie o the bazaars
The thunnerin larries
The goat that stauns an bleats

Efter the buying an bribin
The priggin, swickin venders
The stoor an the bumbazement
0 rickshaws' dirdin seats

Efter the bamboo scaffoldin
The saris cairtin cement
The cricket, the polo,
The staas of baccy an treats

Efter the wechty bullocks
The cobras wyvin an dauncin
The glaur o the gutters
The fowk fa sleep on the streets

Here is Delhi's oasis.
Here, far the shade is sweet
The verra girse cries 'Gandhi'
The chief fa cowpit an Empire
Walkin in wyes o peace on twa bare feet.



3.At Lord Siva's Jungle Shrine: Bharaptur Bird Sanctuary

Here, far the jungle smores the sun
Here, at Lord Siva's temple door
The dance o destruction's daithless beat
Throbs in the air, ahin, afore

Auncient deities lichtly sleep
The cobra kills an the cobra saves
Yestreen's leaves fae the jungle's eaves
Shakk their fetters an jink their graves

Here, in the raxxin tangle-tree
The heron, the lang-legged crane, the stork
They nest in equanimity
Provin that tolerant wyes can wirk


4.Monsoon

Fae Bombay tae Rangoon, fowk will say the Monsoon
Is a blessin that's mixed fur the peasant
Fur fin there's a drought, there's nae doot he's pit oot
An the hardship is unca unpleisant

Bit fin ye hae flown fae a cauld Scottish zone
Tae traivel an savour the East
To be drooked in the rain, like rat doon a drain
Is a dreidfu event, at the least.

Oh oor Aberdeen weet, may be dreich, bit its fleet
An it's shortsome, tho dowie an gray
But in Delhi the rain cams again an again
An can bide fur a month and a day!


5.The Watterbuffalo

Ye'd makk a bonnie hat rack, bit yer kyte it maun be leid,
Gin I drank yer puil in Delhi, I'd be merked as maggot-feed
Bit there ye staun, in ecstacy wi watter roon yer rear
Like an alcoholic in a tub o beer, beer, beer.

Tell me Watterbuffalo foo is yer milk sae sweet
Fin ye glugger doon sic clorty dubs an girse is aa ye eat?


6.The Lan o Tea an Tigers

The lan o tea an tigers hauds oriental views
Far richt o wye tae traffic is gien ower tae coos
The sanbags at the airport hid armed guards, I ken
Bit karma's wheel birls better, fin helped bi cannie men.

There's nae a pick that's British.
They serve ye wi a grin!
Oh gowd an scarlet saris fae shantytoons o tin
Like dragonflees that flichter, up fae a rikkin lan,
Far gangrels prig an barter, fit is't that keeps ye gaun?

Ye, wi yer thin-shanked bairnies,
fas beens powk throw their skin
I'm chappin at yer culture.
Please, cud ye lat me in?

I'd like tae pye a veesit..tae unnerstan, ye see
Foo baith at the same table, sit grace an poverty.


7.Burmese Coo
There is a small Burmese community living in the jungle around the Pa-la-u waterfall. The waterall is part of the La-u forest in Kang-Kra-Chan national park's compound. It covers 43,700 hectares

Tinkle tinkle Burmese coo,
aa ye dae is ett an moo
Lugs as lang as cricket bats
skelpin swarms o fit d'ye cats.

In a bield amang bamboo,
swytin like a roastin soo
I spy Buddhist monks nip by,
on their scooters, trig an spry

Muckle leaves waucht ben the breeze.
Michty me! They're butterflees!


8.A News wi a Parten

Foo mony birsslin British dowps,
wee parten, on yer Cha-am beach
Hae birled like satay sticks o meat
birssled tae reid fae fite an peach?

Tell me, ma armour-platit frien
fit think ye o these fremmit fowk?
Rolex, Gucci, Chanel they buy...
Aa fake.. bit names impress a gowk.

The warld's ill-pairtit. Nicht an day
pyed guairds wi guns stappt in their belt
Maun stalk the waukwyes, jist fur fear
the fowk fa vend takk back fit's selt


9.Yalla Dug

Yalta dug aneth the staas
foo d'ye aywis scrat yer baas
Like a waukin plague o scabies?

Yalla dug, dae ye hae rabies?
In a butcher's, on a hook,
yer ma is hingin. Takk a luik!



10.Kam-Lai
Kam-Lai is a 65 year old elephant at Wat Neranchararam, Cha-am

Kam-lai can niver smile because her moo's set up an doon
Wi yon lang trunk atween her een she canna even froon
As sae ye niver really ken exactly fit she thinks
Bin fin ye feed her sugarcane she shuts her een an blinks.

This MICHT mean 'Foo idyllic' or `Nae sugar-cane fur tea! '
Or, 'The breeks yon wummin's weirin wad bring tears tae a gless ee.'

Gin ye'd like a game o bools wi yon fine set ahin her feet.
I widna. They're fit elephants drap efter they've hid meat.


11.An Elephant's Moo

Fae auld Siam across tae China,
an elephant's moo's like a vagina
Stap in a tongue an ye hae got
a meal machine that chaas the lot

Bananas, chocolate, in it goeses.
Niver a thocht o brucellosis!
I'm feart I catch e-coli bugs.
The elephant lauchs an skelps its lugs

Is salmonella in thon breid?
The elephant lauchs an shakks its heid
An wolfs doon 23 bananas
afore I'm intae ma pyjamas

She maun hae reinforced intimmers,
fur this hett sun turns as tae cinners
Sae, fin a hunner years she's seen,
will telegram cam fae her Queen?

Tae Ganesh I gie thanks. Thon God
His elephants keeps hale an snod
Fur skitterin elephants wid blad
The Thailan towrist trade fur guid.


12.The River Kwai
For the men of the Second Battalion the Gordon Highlander Regiment, buried in the POW cemetary at Kanchanaburi

Kanchanaburi's green an quate.
The sun, sae hett it stouns
In birsslin drouth, in frozen youth,
the deid men makk nae souns

A poppy here, a garlan there,
rich scents each grave festoons
Peace ower the grun..bit dearly won
bi the Daith Railway loons.

Far fae the teuchit's dweeble wheep's
the skreichin o baboons
An here the Thai, alang the Kwai
tend weel the Gordon loons.

They didna dee far bullets flee.
Their war brocht ither wouns
Far dysentry kept company
wi rain as big's dubloons

Aside the Kwai the smilin Thai
in bricht sarongs an gouns
Sell mango slice an tea wi ice,
wi orchids at their crouns.

Thailan's the larder o the East.
It wyles awa the pouns
There wis nae beer nor buffet here,
fin coorseness kent nae bouns

An fin the jungle lowsed its rage,
the peetiless monsoons
Cholera, typhoid thinned the ranks
ben bitter nichts an noons

A different fecht, a different airt,
fae Waterloo's dragoons
Maleria gied the Deid Thraa
tae the Daith Railway loons.

The war's lang gaen. They bide alane.
Nae wives aside them lie.
Bricht butterflees abeen them heeze,
aa sufferin ower an by.

Culloden, Flodden, Bannockburn..
grim pipers play the tunes
The leaders o a nation screive
tae mobilise platoons

Is liberty as gweed a cause
tae dee fur as the lave?
Nane kens, dry banes haud nae discourse
that full a sodjer's grave.

Kanchanaburi's green an quate.
Noo, fyew are left tae greet,
Far thistles fell...Bit merk them weel..
The wins o peace are sweet


13.Taxi Driver's Buddha

Taxi driver's Buddha, fit div ye see?
Are yer een on traffic or some transcendental lea?

Buddha on the dashboord, fin yer maister drives
Are ye watchin ower him ensurin that he thrives?

Fare-pyin punters dinna sit sae snod as ye
Taxi-driver' s Buddha yer a top-speed rareity!


14.Puil in a Hotel Complex

The palm weirs streetch merks roon its belly
Leaves, hett an droothy ettle tae reach the puil
Tae lick it up like forkit lizards' tongues.
The watter sweels aroon like crème de menthe.

Last nicht a taed cam here,
creashie's a Wall street banker
While the palms swyed in the breeze
Lord! Foo he likit tae craik.

Fu o hissel. He fartit twice
Like a German in Speedo trunks
Nae speedin, twa towels doon.


15.Flute Seller

He pykes his barfit wye alang the stran Cannily steppin abeen
The anchor towes o boaties,
The smachrie o coral an shells.
Deid puffer fish sweels in wi the tide
Bumbazed tae hae puffed its hinmaist puff
A playthin o the sea coost ooto this melee
0 froth an sweeshlin bree.
Aneth the cweel bit shade o his coolie hat
The broon flute seller fussles.

His shanks are shilpit
His breeks are torn an green
His semmit fu o holes
Flaps fae the lean
Coat-hinger o his frame.

He smiles wi twa mauve lips
Like coconut flesh, his teeth
Sae fite they daizzle ye

This Thai pied piper blaws
Ben bamboo tubes.
Thon hollow reeds
Echo the lanely lappin o the sea

Bead sellers jostle ye
Silk venders hassle ye
Horse hawkers dog yer steps

The flute seller cocks his heid sidiewyse
His reedy notes waucht fae his bamboo pipe
The music furls like rikk alang the stran

His easy-osy joy in his wee tunes
His melodic wares
Eneuch tae wyle the siller fae yer pooch.


16.The Lion and the Eagle Sung to the tune Sleepytoon
Written and performed during 'Scotland at the Smithsonian' (2003)
The Lion Rampant is the symbol of Scots smeddum. The Eagle is the symbol of American power.

Aa nicht forked lichtenin rent the sky,
it sent a thunnerclap doonby
Noo Thor's weet dish-cloot's nearly dry
in Washington in the morning

Aff plastic ponchos raindraps dreep,
throw weety girse the broon dubs seep
Yet the Metro's stappit an the mobiles bleep
in Washington in the morning.

Rikk rises up fae a cowboy's grill.
Towrists trek tae the Capitol
A bird pykes mealies wi its bill
in Washington in the morning

Schule pairties steer an mozzies heeze.
Flags waucht on flagpoles in the breeze
Stane eagles glower atween the trees
in Washington in the morning

The Lion rampant's cleuks are strang,
wi the Eagle's fowk the wauks are thrang
See the Eagle's pouer, hear the Lion's sang
in Washington in the mornin


17.Hornygollach

His heid's crooned bi a twig.
He slalems doon a leaf like ony Olympic skiier,
Syne tightrope wauks
a trailin jungle creeper.

Anely a grenade could bomb him oot
Could heelstergowdie him.
Explorin his crackly kingdom
His shanks cut throwe the air like a tailor's shears,
Like a Roman Catholic bishop dispensin crosses.

His gollach- intimmers snod in his sheeny shell,
He sweys like a hammock,
Launches aff like rain sikkin a puddle.
It makks me wabbit watchin
His ceaseless rinnin.

His richts takk precedence ower mine,
Here, I'm the tourist, he's the acceptit local.
Syne, he takks flicht!
His wings whirr like a copter.
This gars me grue,
The sicht o sic an ugsome ferly fleein!

His hame's this Asian steamie.
Unreason's cleuks claa cauldly at ma wyme.
Fit gin this horny gollach choose tae veesit me?
Explore ma frailties wi his fyaachie taes
I ken that I wad kill him gin I cwid.