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Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Unusual Girl

Rating: 4.5
If people ever think of you of that girl that hides away, the one that never talks to you but just has alot to say. Who runs away when being nice? And staying when theres hatred that has a tear in her eye buts to scared to share it. Are you that person full of hate the one with a big tack cause if i am her i am human and nothing can change that fact
talia wade
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COMMENTS
R. H. Peat 16 June 2010
A very interesting poem Talia. You just leap in and out of second person from 3rd to 1st person which make your lovely poem a bit difficult, however. But I'll show you how to fix that in nothing flat. Changing it all to the 3rd person, (you) instead of (she & I & you) . If people ever think (X) you (are) that girl that hides away, the one that never talks(,) (X) but (who) has alot to say. Who runs away when (others are) being nice? And stay(s) when there's hatred, (when there's) a tear in (that girl's) eye(,) but (who is) (too) scared to share it. Are you that person full of hate( ;) the one with a big tack cause(.) If (you were,) (X) (you would know she is) human( ;) and nothing can change that fact(.) I'm not sure what 'big tack' means? Maybe you can explain that part of your poem to me. And mind you, these are just suggestions to make the poem more accessible to any reader because it is a bit confusing with all the person shifts. If they are not your deeper meaning change them. But as I read it; it is one dynamite poem although it is still a bit rough. But it's enough to blow the top of my head off. I have to tell you this is a fantastic poem; that is deeply meaningful to me. I feel it needs to be posted around the world. And I'm seeing it right now in California, USA. So you made it to the other side of the world girl. The intent here is a powerful statement about hatred that needs to be heard everywhere. talia wade you did well. a poet friend RH Peat
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