Underhill In The P.E. Room 1962 Poem by Terry Collett

On the playing field
Underhill
was second to none
but off it
he was a big turd
who bullied boys
smaller or less skilful
than he was at football.

We were in the school
changing room
waiting for the PE teacher
to pick his team
for the match.

Underhill came over
to where I was standing.

I've seen babies
dribble better
than you Coles
he said.

And I've smelt
their nappies
reminding me of you
I replied.

He squared up to me
his 6ft over my head.

You want to watch
your mouth frog.

You're blocking out
my daylight.

Other kids
made a small circle
around us
and chanted
fight fight fight.

I've seen toddlers
kick a ball
better than you
he said.

I shouldn't stand still
too long or a farmer
might mistake you
for dung and spread you
over his land
for fertilizer
I replied.

Fight fight fight
the kids chanted
about us.

I got on my toes
ready to weave
and punch.

He stood toe to toe
with me looking
down at me.

WHAT IS GOING ON
the PE prat bellowed out
from the changing room
doorway.

The kids dispersed
and I mingled with them
Underhill tried to mingle
unsuccessfully.

Well what is
going on?

Nothing Sir
Underhill said
just showing others
my passing skill.

The PE prat
looked around at us
his beady eyes
searching out victims.

Right line up
I need a solid team
to play against
Barnside Seniors.

We lined up
against the wall.

I wouldn't be chosen
(thank God)
but Underhill was
almost straight away.

I was hoping
the team lost
it would make
my day.