Ungrieving Poem by Candice Padden

This is grieving alright.
Just, without the cards and without the flowers, without the cups of tea and sympathy and people 'just popping in' at all hours just
'TO CHECK THAT YOU'RE OK.'

But No, nobody cares when it happens this way.
You made your choice and cut me off and no one asks me how I feel, of course, because ITS HIS CHOICE.

'Well there's nothing you can do.'
'He's an adult.'
'You've just got to accept it, It isn't up to you.'

Up to me?
If it were up to me he'd be at home, I wouldn't spend nights crying alone in a room that becomes a tomb of mourning and praying:
PLEASE GOD! BRING HIM BACK TO ME, BRING HIM HOME.

But, Alas!
I hold my grief and mourning like any mother who has lost her child, feeling the waves crashing in on the tide of my heart and soul and mind because
THIS IS PAIN!

Ah but I hear it again....
'You've just got to accept it, it isn't up to you! '
I know that and it's true, there is nothing I can say or do to make you see just how much you mean to me and how now,
I AM LESS.

Its all shadow in my heart and suffering in my mind and it grows deeper and darker as it reminds me
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT!

But I AM a mother who has lost her child.
BUT, I am grieving for someone who is still alive, even though no reaching out or prayers to the Divine
WILL CHANGE ANYTHING!

Because you exist, you breathe. It's You who doesn't want to see Me, so I MUST ACCEPT THIS PAIN and feel it over and over and OVER again.
BUT!
It's Pain and love and pride and anxiety that I will carry in my heart because all I want,
IS FOR YOU TO COME BACK TO ME.