Walls Poem by Sinsly Thingz

Sticks and stones may break these bones, but words can never hurt me.
Those taboo words that can never hurt me sit on my tongue.
In my mind.
In these memories that splash over me and remind me again and again
Of those nuclear word bombs that attacked the Nagasaki of my heart day after day.

I used to envy those walls that everyone had.
Those seemingly never ending titanium walls.
No way in. But no way out.

There was a time I imagined everyone as a glass cage.
You could see in. You could see out.
But you couldn't get inside.
That how I thought it was. People could see inside me, but not get to the heart inside.
But that's not how it is.

There are people who can phase right through those walls.
Right into my heart and soul and the thin fragile layers of my past and trauma hidden underneath.
People who will come in, unexpected.
They won't break you up from the outside in.

No, they'll break each and every layer from the inside out until your wall of cover breaks and you're left in a shattered and broken mess, watching them walk away with the bag of emotions and scars to add to the collection of people they have ruined in the past.

But that changed.
I realized people have tinted glass around their hearts as they grow older.
They start to tint, start to black anything from getting in all while still staring out at the world.
But I was different.

Everyone could see inside and right through me.
But I couldn't see out. I couldn't see what was inside of me like everyone else could because I was on the wrong side of that glass.

I've always been backwards.
Beyond me not being straight or cis gendered.
No it was the way I acted. Kids are supposed to love each other and hate adults.

Not seek out shelter in older people because the people of my youth scared me so much I'd run away from home to the safe haven that was school only to go hide in the teachers room during recess and the library after lunch.

I was never the right child.
I was the smart kid who hates being called smart because the validation was never there in my past, so hearing it now makes me wish I had it before.

I hate validation now. I can never tell if someone is being true to their words or just trying to get into my walls so they can slowly watch me trust them only to pull out the knife made of my own feelings and ideas.

To stab those ideals, those memories, deep into my eye so I may never again see through someone and only ever see myself projected onto them because seeing someone for who they are makes me scared that they'll see me for who I am and leave.

Leaving.
It's the hardest thing to do, they say.
If you love it let it go.
But I'm not allowed to let it go. They won't let me.

These voices in my head keep yelling louder and louder that if I don't stand up for myself and speak to these people I'm leaving I will never again feel the love that they gave me.

But that same love is the one thing I'm scared of.
If I make someone trust and care for me and then I fail to return that love back to them, what kind of person does that make me?
Does that make me the bad guy?
It does.