What Goes On In My Mind Poem by Kayla Fuller

Likeing my life,
but wanting to go back to my old life,
has got me all messed up.
I live in a confused daze
living my life in a maze.
Not knowing the right path
Not knowing how to get out
trying to have fun and laugh
trying to get out and about.
Just tring to live a normal life.
but these thoughts and wonders,
going through my head,
get to me.
making me forget the desent life i have now.
Making me see how much i miss the old me.
but seeing and remembering how much it changed me,
but also seeing how much fun i had,
all the people i met that became my friends,
and how much closer we all became.
Missing everything about my past few years, i start to remember a few years before that.
making my emotions go crazy.
i think about what i went through
i think about maybe if it didn't happen if i woundn't have turned to drugs to make it all go away, if maybe i wouldn't have tried to kill myself, even know i failed.
Sometimes i wish i wouldn't have
but sometimes i'm glad i did
i know now that if i would have died that night then i wouldn't have the people i love in my life now, that i wouldn't have been able to met my new family members and welcome them in to this world and watch them grow.
but then there are days i just wish it would've worked.
some days i just get so depressed
some days i can't believe i am where i am now
some days i wish i could just forget about the past and move on.
but so much has happened
so many memeries play back in my head
its just hard to forget
some days i just get the urge to do it all again.
i don't want to hurt anyone,
i don't want to let anyone down.
i have come along way to be where i am now
i've fought so hard to get here
im not even sure whats keeping me alive
ill i know is i can't control my mind
i just wonder off even when im trying to have a good time.
not being able to talk to anyone
not able to know who i really am,
or what i want out of life.
It gets hard at times
but i just bottle it all up and push it aside
i fight every night to stay alive
hoping God will save me from this disaster
lets hope he is faster.