What The Hell Am I? Poem by Troy Clark

Thoughts and feelings mingle-I find a soul through this
But mine is a different color from everyone else’s
Instead of bright and luminous-it’s pale and cold
Everyone else has scars to tell about
I have none-No scars, thought and feeling

It’s hard being me-not being able to truly laugh, or cry
Observing the world around me, seeing people at the brightest-and their lowest
It makes me numb that I can’t be one of them
I want to feel high off of living, I need to feel depressed about not moving on.
I have no obsessions or intentions-if there was one would I find me, the true me?

Am I a horrible person? Do I hurt people intentionally?
Do I truly care about how people care?
Am I a good person-filled with a secret light, a long forgotten knowing?
I want to find out who and what I truly am
And what I can do to help, or destroy this world.

What the hell am I? Who the hell am I? Why can’t I find me?
I wish it was as simple as unlocking a safe-you hear the click and open the door.
But that could be dangerous, what lies in wait behind my cage?
Is it smiles and compassion, a need to be around the people that I apparently “love”,
Or is it mass chaos, and the need to be cages for the rest of my life.

I am a human individual
But as cursed as I am, I am willing to undergo the trials of finally being able to smile.
A true smile.