Simone Stolzhoff

Simone Stolzhoff Poems

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Boyfriend Material

Do you know what kind of material this is?
It's boyfriend material
And I don't care if i have to stand on every single mountain top
or sound like a f*cking Josh groban song to let you ladies know exactly what I am
Cause I'll cuddle up watching a Joseph Gordon Levvit movie with you
I'll admit I know all the words to that John mayer song you love
I'll tell your mom that her Zucchini Frittata is divine
And I'll tell your dad that of course I follow the PGA tour
Cause I'm Boyfriend material
How many girlfriends have I had?
A lot
Binders full of girlfriends
So tell me I'm not qualified to write this poem
I don't treat women like objects
I treat women like the ocean treats the shore
And I know those are both objects
But they're really beautiful poetic objects
Cuz I'm boyfriend material
Now don't get me wrong,
I don't want this to sound like my OKCupid profile
I want this to sound like my f*ckin incredible cupid profile
Cuz ladies, I got some cold hard facts for you
and they're harder than my abs
And colder than f*ckin Minnesota
Fact
This one time, I wrote a girl a letter on a piece of paper and I sent it
…in the mail
Fact
I did bikram yoga once
Fact
I wear v-neck shirts and read books
Next question
I'm not saying i'm underrated, just under appreciated
Like good pressure on a water fountain
Like stretching
Like firm, red grapes
What i'm trying to say is,
Ladies, I'm here to get the job done
Like Liam Neeson
No, Like WD-40
No, like a vibrator
Actually, f*ck that, better than a vibrator.
But forreal
I'm tired of all these girls saying that there aren't any good guys out there
And they're looking for someone to prove them wrong
So to all you beautiful women
And to all you hard guys trying to get in touch with your sensitive side
Know that you can always look up to this white boy
To help you pronounce "Je ne sais qua"
Or to tell you that you look beautiful in that romper
Because at the end of every night
And when I make you an egg white omelette in the morning
Know that I am, motherf*ckin boyfriend material

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