Thabiso Ramosamo

Thabiso Ramosamo Poems

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I Don't Know Who I Am & What I Want

If i sit in between the shadows of my brains
Silently talk to myself about who i am and what i want
I am not assured - bcos i know my stand and limits but i just hate to admit the truth.
I hate to admit that sometimes the scintillation of earnest feelings does flash and it makes me uncertain and afraid
I am just an ordinary girl - still growing and learning to live life as it is

But at times i break down and cry, there is so much i am hiding behind my beautiful smile
The virginity of my heart broke once when i laid with a foreign man who had no intentions of loving
Maybe i was fault and a problem that couldn't be solved - so he slept and left
And now, memories are abusing me and raping the hell of myself

At a point of recovering
Another man comes and be close with myself who is just healing

Should i trust or use my brains here bcos my heart ever desired too much it couldn't resist and surrendered then was broken

I am not sure who i am and what i want
But all i know is - the man who raised me is still my dad and the woman i called mummy to mother is still mine
And that the man i laid once with - has left
And so i do not know who i am and what i want but i do have desires and this scintillation of earnest feelings that flash back in memory at times

No matter how i try to hide and cope
Its a heartbreaking silent war in between myself
My heart sold my body for a long passionate night that then broke all of me.

I wake and sleep and smile with pain behind the walls of my true-self
I look at this person who looks like me in the mirror and tell her i am coping so she CAN since we are going through the same operation pains we only feel and see but nobody else

I now met a man who is silent in words but full of actions
My heart tells me to fall but i cannot trust this young heart of mine again
Bcos we may end up being destroyed by false empty-promises
So it makes me afraid to try and it makes me think too much about men, love and marriage!
So i really don't know who i am and what i want -but i know dad is mine and mamma is still mother
And that i once laid with a man who made me mature but then he left after a full moon night and never came back

So i don't know what i want from all these love matter concerns
But i do sit in between the shadows of my brains
Silently talk to myself about who i am and what i want
I am not assured - bcos i know my stand and limits but i just hate to admit the truth.
I hate to admit that sometimes the scintillation of earnest feelings does flash back in memory & feeling and it makes me uncertain and afraid
I am just an ordinary girl - still growing and learning to live life, broken.





Thabi

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