Tom Watkins

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My Past

My past
It's locked away, almost to the point where it felt as though it were not real.
My mind, it is protecting me, suppressing almost 8 years.
I thought I remembered the worst parts.
I ignored them, these memories, these things that make me who I am.
I did not want to think about my past, I did not want to relive the pain, the anger, the hatred, the suffering.
I already hide who I am, from my friends, from my family, even myself.
There are two parts of me, one of them remembers the everything, the other only remembers what it wants to.
Everyone only sees is the happy part of me, the one I want them to.
Sometimes the other will break through and people see what's behind the facade of happiness.
This is the part of me that very few people have ever seen.
This is the part of me that was burned. Damaged. Suppressed.
This part of me is both a curse and a blessing.
It gives me strength, but it also makes me weak.
It is my fear, my anxiety, my paranoia.
It is both my friend and my enemy.
It prepares me, but it also prevents me.
It is everything that tells me no.
It keeps me safe.
But it keeps me from feeling.
Keeps me from truly being alive.
I want to feel, to have emotion, to cry, to tell my mother I love her.
But that part of me says no. It protects me. It controls me.
I am both parts, but neither are truly me.
I realise now, I need to accept who I am.
To accept both the Yin and the Yang.
Both the bad and the good.
To find out who I am.

It is everything that tells me no.
It keeps me safe.
But it keeps me from feeling.
Keeps me from truly being alive.
I want to feel, to have emotion, to cry, to tell my mother I love her.
But that part of me says no. It protects me. It controls me.
I am both parts, but neither are truly me.
I realise now, I need to accept who I am.
To accept both the Yin and the Yang.
Both the bad and the good.
To find out who I am.

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