Abigail Hauschild

I don't want to live like this
I need to feel close to someone
But I can't pay the price
I'll settle for the physical
...

Old habits are hard to break
Each repeated lie and every misrepresentation of my soul
Adds a bar to my cage
This cell of my own making is impossible to escape
...

I've written letters to you in my mind
These letters explain everything so beautifully
Making it impossible for you to stay mad or hurt or distant
If you only read them
...

How did my life get so claustrophobic?
I’m standing naked in a glass room but the walls are closing in
A skeleton pretending she’s alive for an audience who doesn’t care if it’s true
People see the show they want to see
...

I am starving for sun
Thirsting for rain
Restless for spring
Anxious for winters end
...

What happens to love…
When a father becomes a child?
What happens to love…
When promises can't be trusted?
...

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Through this ink is the only way I know how to bleed
For you are poison coursing through my veins
And no amount of bloodletting could rid my heart of you
You are my personal brand of heroine
...

Why do you store up your kindness for strangers
Merely passing through your life's stage
When I've been with you for decades
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Break my heart darling
I can take it I swear
Throw your poison darts
They are only words after all
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I don't believe in love
I can't trust what I have never seen
I don't care for dreams
I can't treasure what only seems
...

It's a budding rose
And its thorns
It's a sparkling diamond
And its flaws
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You erase my words
Stifle my screams
Bury me 6 ft. under
And even so I rise
...

Death, a beautifully feared truth
It can’t be changed or wished away
We all will die but
will we embrace it
...

Butterflies flutter in my stomach
But then...
They give birth to maggots crawling
Into my heart
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I am bare
left defenseless
still you take parts of my soul.
I am stoic
...

To be seen as beautiful by men is to be trapped
Beauty is put in boxes
Preconceived notions, fantasies, stereotypes, and idealizations
All constrict it's freedom
...

I have perfected the art of fading into the background
Just to keep you from seeing my pain
I can mold my face into any mirage I need
I shade my eyes with heavy curtains of fallacy
...

If only you knew my bravery was an act
Maybe then you'd offer me comfort
Yes, I'm a survivor
Yes, I'm a fighter
...

Her eyes swell like the ocean
Hurricanes swirl and waves crash inside her
Torrents overflow from those stormy grey eyes
But just like a summer storm
...