April Michelle

I am EMBARRASSED for you, and the person you are not.
I cannot help but to LAUGH at your desire to be accepted.
I am APPALLED by your lack of competence and communication.
I sense that you are a WEAK person, only to be made weaker.
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I am from farmland-drenched suburbs, from sheep and noisy chickens, twelve miles via Dallas, and the deepest of 'ten-mile' creeks. I am from the L. I am from my dad's stubborn mind, from skipping school and mom's sweet voice, from those four white walls, parakeets, and leather-bound furniture.

I am from estrangement. I am from the square of 'Bonnie and Clyde', the cross street, the other ‘Bluff, the south side, and all the houses on Winn-Dixie Lane. I am from dorm rooms, paved roads, and the Have It Your Way situation. I am from saying adios. I am from the Little Tigers, Lady Bugs, and No Fear, rockin' out at the City Park, from truth or dare at Lake Joe, cinema shows, pranks, and the dreadful Red Hatter Tea Room. I am from night flying. I am from best friends, and no friends, from driving up 20 for secrets, from dying of a broken spirit. I am from carelessness, and worry.
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To live is teaching my kindergarten boys that it is okay NOT to be the coolest cat on the playground.

To live is conquering poverty while convincing the poverty-stricken they are not stricken by anything for having greater needs than you and me.
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Thanksgiving was nice. I continue to realize the realities that are before me. One cousin is a future football player, while the other fails to see the beauty that is before her. While driving back to my humble apartment, I began to write, to think about this pseudoclassic scenario.

Inaction when left unchecked creates a reaction of tainted dissatisfaction. She moves, she acts with motion, like a potion swimming through his veins. She walks, she walk talks, and speaks of confidence in gains. She is an observer, like a khaki clad scientist marching the steps of Congress.
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The wayward way of thinking has always been: “Son, I want you to go to college, graduate with a degree so you will have the education to secure a well-paying job. You know back in my day, I was able to go to college, so I want to make sure you have every opportunity to! ”

The inevitable downfall: The rise in college tuition, along with the decrease in federal aid for working middle class families’, students and their parents are placed under enormous pressure in paying back mass amounts of student loan debt.
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If I send you a message, call you, text you, or email you asking you a question or whatever the case may be and you read it but simply do not respond, I am probably not going to contact you again. If I am interested in talking to you, for whatever reason, I may write a second message. There almost certainly will not be a third.

I get it. I understand. It is human nature. Sometimes, there are people you do not want to talk to. I am not dense. Nor will I ever be. If you want to talk to someone and you are interested in hearing what they have to say or care what they think about you, you are going to respond back. That is how it works. That is how a 'conversation' happens. I'm not talking about the time where you have been exchanging 14 messages with a person and eventually one of you does not write back. I am talking about ME writing YOU a message, YOU reading it, and YOU choosing not to hit reply. I have too much pride to chase. I hate that lack of confidence... I know... everyone likes to be pursued, and maybe you have women/men throwing themselves at you constantly, but don't expect it from me. I have no problem extending my hand first and saying hello, but I will be damned if I am going to leave it up after you slapped it with an 'I don't care' attitude. The best I can offer you is an honest attempt to meet half way, and not an inch more. I am done with putting myself out there and being burned. Everyone is.
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A few words about my secret trip out west...

Adventure is what she craved. It had become essential to existing in her day-to-day life. For her, a sweet southern wild child from Texas; possessing a sense of extreme independence spiked with a dash of adventure would be the only guide she needed for an exciting mind-altering weekend. Though her pretty little heart was consciously sitting on jagged rocks, her mind was strong and she would escape to sunny California in less than twenty-four hours. Armed with a stiff new Masters Card, her bags were packed chock-full of clothes with tags still attached, hair and make-up set to flawless perfection; she was leaving town late Friday afternoon and would arrive in Dallas to board her much anticipated 10 o'clock flight to Los Angeles.
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Trapped by video games, enticed by high dollar business deals,
intrigued by antique photographs and the way my body feels.

Timid and insecure from a father absent in mind,
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You know that one.
The one who would never drink that or hit that,
the one when faced with the trouble of it all, often fell flat.
Her. The one who seems less judgmental of the common crowd, though always equipped with a face that never swayed for days.
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Brains and soul like a tortured wonder child,
wishes and dreams too tame to please my wild.

As half-priced paperbacks stacked on the clearance rack,
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Friend; your label for all the world to see,
Lover was your soft and secret name for me.

Thinking about the night we would finally meet,
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Done my fair share of wanting, pleaded and prayed alongside the rest.
Spent some time waiting. Though now I wonder, ever am I to escape this unrest.

It is me who cares too much and hopes too less. Loving you daily to a degree unknown. Though now I wonder, when I leave this life will he realize he's forever alone?
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I never understood your need to be as sly as a fox. Sleek at dusk, yet distant at dawn. Quips and puns a hearty meal in your daily fix.

You drugged me with your best box wine,
you seduced me with baby, baby, baby you're all mine.
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Vying for your time with not a minute to spare,
Unusually bitten by your distant stare.
Learning to live, can you blame my love?
Never knowing that knowledge you rarely spoke of.
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To yearn for comfort so protected so sheltered, found not in a twisted world where sex is the minimum requirement required for reaching eligibility in completing life's necessary application, too lengthy in superficial likes and dislikes, too heavy on he said she said adolescent hearsay.

To yearn for comfort found in a world where my body alone will serve to be INadequate for his mounting desires. I yearn for comfort in a feeling of gentle hugs tight and unrestrained, hearing words of sleep sweet that are vivid and frank.
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