Bernadette Mayer

why am i doing this? Failure
to keep my work in order so as
to be able to find things
to paint the house
to earn enough money to live on
to reorganize the house so as
to be able to paint the house &
to be able to find things and
earn enough money so as
to be able to put books together
to publish works and books
to have time
to answer mail & phone calls
to wash the windows
to make the kitchen better to work in
to have the money to buy a simple radio
to listen to while working in the kitchen
to know enough to do grownups work in the world
to transcend my attitude
to an enforced poverty
to be able to expect my checks
to arrive on time in the mail
to not always expect that they will not
to forget my mother's attitudes on humility or
to continue
to assume them without suffering
to forget how my mother taunted my father
about money, my sister about i cant say it
failure to forget mother and father enough
to be older, to forget them
to forget my obsessive uncle
to remember them some other way
to remember their bigotry accurately
to cease to dream about lions which always is
to dream about them, I put my hand in the lion's mouth
to assuage its anger, this is not a failure
to notice that's how they were; failure
to repot the plants
to be neat
to create & maintain clear surfaces
to let a couch or a chair be a place for sitting down
and not a table
to let a table be a place for eating & not a desk
to listen to more popular music
to learn the lyrics
to not need money so as
to be able to write all the time
to not have to pay rent, con ed or telephone bills
to forget parents' and uncle's early deaths so as
to be free of expecting care; failure
to love objects
to find them valuable in any way; failure
to preserve objects
to buy them and
to now let them fall by the wayside; failure
to think of poems as objects
to think of the body as an object; failure
to believe; failure
to know nothing; failure
to know everything; failure
to remember how to spell failure; failure
to believe the dictionary & that there is anything
to teach; failure
to teach properly; failure
to believe in teaching
to just think that everybody knows everything
which is not my failure; I know everyone does; failure
to see not everyone believes this knowing and
to think we cannot last till the success of knowing
to wash all the dishes only takes ten minutes
to write a thousand poems in an hour
to do an epic, open the unwashed window
to let in you know who and
to spirit thoughts and poems away from concerns
to just let us know, we will
to paint your ceilings & walls for free
...

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
...

My heart is a fancy place
Where giant reddish-purple cauliflowers
& white ones in French & English are outside
Waiting to welcome you to a boat
Over the low black river for a big dinner
There's alot of choice among the foods
Even a tortured lamb served in pieces
En croute on a plate so hot as a rack
Of clouds blown over the cold filthy river
We are entitled to see anytime while we
Use the tablecovers to love each other
Publicly dishing out imitative luxuries
To show off poetry's extreme generosity
Then home in the heart of a big limousine
...

I write this love as all transition
As if I'm in instinctual flight,
a small lady bug
...

You jerk you didn't call me up
I haven't seen you in so long
You probably have a fucking tan
& besides that instead of making love tonight
You're drinking your parents to the airport
I'm through with you bourgeois boys
All you ever do is go back to ancestral comforts
Only money can get—even Catullus was rich but

Nowadays you guys settle for a couch
By a soporific color cable t.v. set
Instead of any arc of love, no wonder
The G.I. Joe team blows it every other time

Wake up! It's the middle of the night
You can either make love or die at the hands of the Cobra Commander
...

for: max and alyssa
malyyssax worelish
tomorrow we'll see the lightbulb in schenectady,
go to gems farms in schodack, then on to howe caverns,
then to see the wayne thiebaud show at the clark
where we'll stop to notice the melting ice sculpture
then excellent spinach sap soup at the thai restaurant
in williamstown, a brief stop at the octagonal museum,
on to northampton to see the smith college art museum
& greenhouse where we'll see a green heron

it would be nice to be able to walk today
so we could go to opus 40 in saugerties
followed by a dinner of oysters & mussels at the bear
then on to check out the sheep at the sheepherding inn
where we're able to buy riccotta cheese
which means twice-baked, with which we're able
to make a pizza with fresh figs gotten from the berry farm
war what is it good for?
absolutely nothing
...

A man and a woman pretend to be white ice
Three men at the lavender door are closed in by the storm
With strong prejudice and money to buy the green pines
One weekend fisherman and blue painters watch
The vivid violet winds blow visibility from the mountain
Beyond the black valley. That means or then you know
You're in a big cloud of it, it's brilliant white mid-February
A week or two left on distracting black trees
Before the brownish buds obscure your view of the valley again.

Looking for company four dark men and a burnt sienna woman
Come in for three minutes, then bye-bye like a gold watch left on the
chair
Or part of the sum of what big white families think up
To store for long yellow Sundays to eat for brown ecological
company.
At some point later gorgeous red adventure stops, did you forget
To turn it down and laugh in the face of the fearful white storm
anyway
Or picture it brilliant blue for a further Sunday memory
In a coloring book, you talk as lightly as you can
Refusing a big pink kiss, you burned the Sunday sauce
Of crushed red tomatoes, you turn it down to just an orange glow.
This particular storm, considering the pause and the greenish thaw before it
Reminds me in its mildness of imitating a sea-green memory that is
actually
In the future, I imitate an imagined trumpet sound
Or the brilliant purple words of a man or woman I haven't met yet
Or perhaps it's a grey-haired man I already know who said some-
thing yesterday
To a mutual friend who will give me the whole story in black and
white tomorrow
Or the day after, just as the big orange plows for the local businesses
Go to work to push away the rest of the white snow that will fall
tonight.
...

Be strong Bernadette
Nobody will ever know
I came here for a reason
Perhaps there is a life here
Of not being afraid of your own heart beating
Do not be afraid of your own heart beating
Look at very small things with your eyes
& stay warm
Nothing outside can cure you but everything's outside
There is great shame for the world in knowing
You may have gone this far
Perhaps this is why you love the presence of other people so much
Perhaps this is why you wait so impatiently
You have nothing more to teach
Until there is no more panic at the knowledge of your own real existence
& then only special childish laughter to be shown
& no more lies no more
Not to find you no
More coming back & more returning
Southern journey
Small things & not my own debris
Something to fight against
& we are all very fluent about ourselves
Our own ideas of food, a Wild sauce
There's not much point in its being over: but we do not speak them:
I had written: 'the man who sewed his soles back on his feet'
And then I panicked most at the sound of what the wind could do
to me
if I crawled back to the house, two feet give no position, if
the branches cracked over my head & their threatening me, if I
covered my face with beer & sweated till you returned
If I suffered what else could I do
...

abide with me
don't ever abide
gimme anytime a pile
of leaf-hay across
the field underneath
the bright new blue
tractor pulling the tedder
which is the waffler or fluffer
...

To range in the war was corruption, an error, a snow.
A snow over Rome. Near the garage to sew and to
sing — a crystal, inherent, and a wink to the
chevalier.
To range in the Roman manner was to manage it raw.
The seagoer pressed by the woman in arson. The manager,
waiting, and in the distance, at least, was wrong.
He had played it too near and announced in answers.
A changing is shown.
A personal letter is addressed to the seagoer. Now the
rangers warn to swear. A reminder grows. The
manner of the answer is warmer.
The ram, the swarm and the wren, Ramon and Sergei, all
wane.
Is the seagoer Negro? Arms is the song when the women
are meaner. And the mason is worse. As the snow
nears, the green grocer is warned. The owner of
the organ remains behind. As in Rome, we wear
sweaters to visit the gorge.
But the woman rose to her wager. Now swear in the arms.
The groan means saner, the arrow warm.
...

Later in secret
Later in secret the general
Bends to remove something
To lean against a fresco.
The rules which run
Around the walls
The walls of court
Determine a course,
Declare if he had not:

Sulphur and pitch, sulphur and lead, sulphur and
gum mastic, sulphur and varnish, mixed with the
husks of pine-kernels, sawdust, isinglass, shells
of snails, husks of beans, and seed of myrtle.

From here any direction is shown.
The woods must be razed — resumption of growth
The market growing, profusion, the question
To hold — to hold
Parts or acts in the act of disintegrating wholly.
A sign over the hull — the evening
In a complex of other evenings
Behind the intervening ledge, the general.
...

My partner and I were hunting cougars in
Colorado's Book Cliffs. Our hounds treed
a cat at dusk, but some were baying near
a cave. I leaned into cave and struck match
right in face of a bear. Though supposedly
hibernating, big bear and her cub were not.
Big one walloped me, nearly breaking my
shoulder. Groggy, I saw bear poke head between
my legs. I moved fast. The hounds said the cat
was still treed, so I unholstered my .22
revolver and began firing. I had to empty the
handgun at lion before it crashed to earth.
After skinning the cat we started the 15-mile
hike to our truck, leaving bears to hibernate.
...

silver and clover the clover
where we sat there over
and over again
and again knee
comes sings a few
things comes
rings a
few things
were settling
the stars
were out
the lines
in the street were about
fines what
about lines
single double triple quadruple
(four times)
what about a double four
times how
about a bass a treble
and silver and gold?
...

The

Sun's in my eyes and

the rest's leaves and a few

and a and s

s for more s for pleasure

a mean a measure

and

not miss

but one

of them lay down a series

all for one and a

I shall

and I leave

that has no stem

(a drop?)

the en
...

The nights let us have leaves

we have them the leaves have let us

& then they let us

smaller

have day
a day
...

Maybe when time was and made me the time
many times could we and in time when the time came
noticed that and gave you the time of and left him the
left it open for any time and got back on time and how
the time he and served out the time and never noticed
covered up that time and said we'd see some time and kept
what time and asked for the time of and covered
we knew just what kind of time could be had
...

D R I V E R S white of white line 10 to 6
shut off line this coach is TOLL MACHINE
motors white restroom equipped
while loading line for your convenience
buses white cigarette smoking
S A V E T I R E S line permitted
Keep wheels on white unless prohibited
Straight line un line by law
til passing over white we're getting
treadle before line there you're out of
cutting left white drinking intoxicants
P A S S E N G E R S line on coach prohibited
are met in the white on the
main waiting room line way
U P S T A I R S white express lane
SHELTER SHELTER SH line No Standing
Back in U.S.S.R. white W. 41 St.
chipped Martha, My line One Way
Dear chipped, as if white Tow
eaten line It is now 5:25 Away
Departures … for … white Zone
W O R K line Your Operator
A R E A white Safe Reliable
A H E A D line Courteous CHECK OUT
Free Baggage white PAY here
checking line LEFT THAN
No Tipping Required white and buses only
D.O.T. regulations line THIS LANE
require passengers white Season's
to stand back line Greetings
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
divider
House of Chrome line u u Mr. Milk
tinted green white v v Keeps your car
50¢ makeup line w w on the go Atlantic
cars only sleep white x x Cable TV
HOBOKEN green line y y 12 channels
THIS LANE sleep white z z Special Offer
$6.25 green line Xmas Xmas placemats
When you're out of Holiday House white Count your LEE
Schlitz line two lights are Change AS YOU
the same two lights white Keep Right TRAVEL
beer a a line Pass Left Only ASK US
To a smoker b b white Here she said
it's a c c line her is a tube from one
Ken d d white less cigar You to the
PARK AVE. e e line know how she other
UNION CITY f f white explained that but one
a whole g g line one to me Its a is more
new kind h h white cigar she said than the other
of bag i i line that hasn't got STOP LINE
GIVE THE j j white anything left STOP LINE
WASHED VODKA k k line to it de cinquante
DONT 8:45 l l white LETOM cinq
WALK Rose Garden m m line I cant swipe the
I like your skirt n n white great American
so do I o o line hunchback horses Get back
your sash is p p white where you were before
beautiful q q line The Rest
RIDGE DODGE r r white Get Back
Fiesta Banquet s s line LENOX—-
Room t t white toll booth no. 1
...

From the point of view of four-dimensional space-time geometry the topography and the history of the universe fuse into one harmonious picture, and all we have to consider is a tangled bunch of world-lines representing the motion of individual atoms, animals, or stars.
1. This space is a pace away from you. 2. This space is a mile away from you. 3. This space is a footstep away from you. 4a. This space is an acre away from you. 5b. This space is a township away from you. 6.1. This space is a bushel away from you. 7.2. This space is a tablespoon away from you. 8x3. This space is a minute away from you. 9x4. This space is a week away from you. 10x5. This space is the roaring twenties away from you.
...

Going go spinning around the earth
on your back spinning around earth on back
back to Minnesota, Iowa, Boston, California
& New York Open your eyes Close them Open Close Open
Where to now What's your name Where are you
spinning off to Once there was a girl I went to her house
for tea He closed the eyes He opened them
the lids that is She was a
Some kind of girl & was put in her place
See what was that you're spinnin on A journey too On
Off and on the center of the radio I see No two
are two Except when they are speaking No, two are two
No two & two No two and no Two and two
no And two & two And no Two too And two,
no, you two and, no, two.
...

The invisible structure was E = mc2
……… in the original experience it is not identified
as the vague. it is a function of the whole situation,
& not an element in it, as it would have to be
in order to be apprehended as vague
the outcome of a process
no experience is a unity unless it is aesthetic
is it true?
exploitation of the energy characteristic of
the material used as a medium
a tape of many people saying the same word
people sitting on the stage, actions on tape
something that changes with the weather or day
six performances
colors become more vivid when seen with the
head upside down.
...