Daniel Han

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Nurses Cry In The Hallway Of A Hospital

Frankie took a rose out of
The glass vase by the hospital bed
And put it between his teeth.
He told me he wanted to be Prince Charming
And that he was practicing for when
One day his princess came along.
I thought it was sweet, so
I pulled out my phone and took
A picture. It came out a little blurry,
But I printed it and hung it up
By the reception desk anyway
To remind me of why I drink my weight
In coffee every morning and
Nap in empty hospital rooms during lunch.
White walls and buzzing, clipboards clipping
And pencils tickle paper till it cuts your ears,
And the doctor is sitting in her office
With something always ringing in the
Background. Nurse, I hear, and I'm
Not sure where it comes from but
I start walking instinctively and run into
Three others, dressed in light blue scrubs and
Eyeshadow the color of death.
The receptionist left last week
So the director asked if I could
Work a couple extra hours at the clinic
Until they get a new receptionist,
Which I didn't want to do
But Nancy said okay, so I felt
Like I should probably say okay too,
Even though Nancy didn't have two kids
But that was beside the point.
On Saturdays I don't have to wake up
At five, so I have breakfast with
My husband, Jason, who is always
Reading the news. What's on the news today?
I always ask him that, and he
Would usually say something about
Some stock or some country, and I would
Nod. Sometimes I would fall asleep
At the table, which he used to find funny
Until one day I forgot I was eating cereal
And almost drowned in milk.
I thought it wasn't a big deal, but Jason just
Stopped buying milk, which annoyed me
Because it's not the milk's fault
That I can't stay awake. But it's fine,
Because Jason is going to divorce me
Anyway, since apparently I don't shower
Enough for him. I like Frankie though,
He's one of the kids from the preschool
My kids go to and he broke his ankle
Playing soccer, which brought him to me.
He's sweet and doesn't make me want to
Throw a brick into drywall.
We had a chance to talk before
The doctor arrived, so I sat down by his bed
And I asked him, Frankie, is there someone
That you love more than anything in the world?
He said, yes, and that it was his mother,
So I asked him how she is, and he said that
He didn't know, because he hadn't seen her in
A week. She was busy, I guess, or maybe
Ran away with a handsome model.
How weird, I thought, that a boy
Hasn't seen his mother in a week. But
Then I realized that the last time
I had dinner with my kids was
Over a month ago. The last time I took them
Shopping was before the end of summer
And the last time I had even asked them
How they were was entirely out of my
Memory, and suddenly I felt my eyes get wet
And I had to tell Frankie to sit and
Wait for the doctor so I could
Excuse myself because I couldn't breathe.
I burst out into the hallway as all the years
Of my life rained down on me
Like gallon after gallon of concrete, my
Heart beating like battle drums,
Something buzzing, someone calling
My name, or nurse, or both, and I just
Want to run away, to get to a phone
And call them, call my family and ask them
To wait for me for dinner tonight, just
Wait a couple hours longer, I'll be there
I'll be there I will, and I've run down so many halls
And up so many stairs now that I don't know
Where I am anymore, so I sit down,
And I just cry. I don't know who
Picked me up and set me down on a
Bed and brought me a box of tissues,
But when I finally could breathe again,
I found a sticky note taped to the door,
Which just had three words on them.
"Hang in there."
There was a moment after I read it
That I really saw myself hanging,
From a cliff, fingers grasping at the sand
That threatened to slip away. One hand
Holding, one hand reaching for the other side,
Body stretched out in between.
I imagined, just for a second,
Letting everything go.

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