The Socially Acceptable Mental Illness Bar & Grill Poem by Daniel Han

Welcome to the
Socially Acceptable Mental Illness Bar & Grill,
Where the bar's for drinking away your problems
And the grill's just for fun!
Today's special is AGORAPHOBIA, a
Cutesy cutesy entree for when you
Just wanna stay inside and cuddle
With your bestie! Aww! Of course,
If you're looking for something a little
More interesting (ooh la la) , might I recommend
Our BIPOLAR appetizer! A favorite of celebrities
Like Demi Lovato, Mariah Carey, and the
Late, lovable Carrie Fisher! You'll get
Irresistible energy, at least some of the time!
If you're feeling indecisive,
Why don't you try our ADHD dinner platter!
It comes with a little bit of everything,
Including cute little squirrels and sugar shots,
All on a pretty shiny silver platter the kids will love!
Don't get too excited though,
Your friends might not believe you ever had it!
Just want something basic?
Well why don't you try our classic, the DEPRESSION broth?
I mean, everyone orders it. It comes with your pick
Of sides: coloring book, hair dye, or Tumblr blog.
Don't come to us complaining about
Losing sleep or avoiding sharp objects though,
If you can't deal with it, that's your problem.
If you're a gamer, you should try our PTSD home fries,
Served just the way you like it, without
Any disturbing flashbacks, phantom pain,
Or subsidized medical care!
So tasty, it'll make you go
‘Nam ‘Nam ‘Nam ‘Nam ‘Nam.
Don't really feel like talking to anyone today?
Get our SOCIAL ANXIETY sequence!
We'll only give you our extra hot waitstaff,
Who will coax you out of your shell
Because of how hot they are!
And if you're trying not to eat too much
Because you want to keep up your beauty magazine,
Model-ready slim figure,
Not to worry, the ANOREXIA pay-as-you-dine
Is perfect for you! We'll even give you extra make-up
To cover up those pesky bruises and a book of excuses
For why your teeth look like melting legos!
Here's the rest of our menu for you to peruse:
A little awkward and introverted?
Get our SOCIOPATH sampler!
Wearing matching shirt and shoes?
The OCD mega-meal would be perfect for you!
Super into historical figures?
Our SCHIZOPHRENIA dessert might let you meet one!
And of course, at the end of the day,
Close out your meal with one of our tailor made
Coping mechanisms!
We've got vodka for the party animals,
Cigarettes, for those 1930's romantics,
And a special menu for anyone looking for
Stronger solutions.
As always, anything and everything you order comes with
A free, complementary serving of self-esteem issues.
So please, take a seat anywhere in the restaurant.
Oh, and don't forget our motto!
It's not on our menu unless Hollywood can profit off of it!
Now, what can I get you?