Laura Clayton

I wish I could peel off my scars and seal them in a manila envelope
Then hide it in the back of my wardrobe, along with all the sleeveless t-shirts that still have their price tags on
Just so I didn’t have to be reminded of my mistakes every time I look at my arms
Do you see me holding up a poster with “I SELF HARM” written on it?
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If you could have a second chance at life
Would you finally get things right?
Would you do all that it takes
To undo all of your past mistakes?
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If I counted how many times you told me you wanted to kill yourself, I would run out of fingers and toes. Let me tell you something, dear; life is not like the video games that you love to play so much. There is no ‘try again’ button.
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There are 124 notches in my bedpost, one for each man that I have slept with;
And if you looked closely, you would see your name next to the very first one.

It is proven that sex gives you a feeling of euphoria and releases endorphins;
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You will probably think that these words are going to be poisonous and filled with phrases such as
“You deserve each other” and “I hope he cheats on you too.”
I admit, I did consider penning a hateful letter;
I could have posted it through your letter box among with a pack of maggots, if I wanted to.
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When we were little kids, our hardest decision was choosing which colour crayon to use
Or which toy to play with at break-time
We didn’t care if our hair was out of place because we were having too much fun rolling down a hill in the summer time
And we never worried that the cheeseburger and chips we just ate would make us gain weight.
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So you’ve been stuck in hell for quite a while
And you can’t even summon the strength to smile
Every day you feel so low
When will you escape your woe?
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This time last year, you were all that I had
You knew how to make me happy when I was sad
My worries I shared, my secrets I told to you
You were my sister, and you were all that I knew
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I couldn’t survive if we ever did part
But a small part of me wants to break your heart
The only love I’ve ever known is the kind that falls through
I guess I just want to end things before you do
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So you got knocked down yet again
But you don’t have to endure this pain
Get up from the ground and stand up tall
Don’t let people make you feel small
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The drugs you take make you smile
But this only lasts for a while
You pour another glass of whiskey to drown your sorrows
But the pain will still be there tomorrow
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I remember staying up until 2am
Talking about nothing with you
But it was worth the bags under my eyes
Because I love all that you say and do
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Your broken love is tearing you apart
He made you fall for him
Then damaged your heart
Now your whole world has turned dark
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I lay in your arms and you kiss me passionately
As the candle burns bright like our love
It’s like no harm can come to me
Just as long as you are around
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I still remember all the hurtful things you said to me like it was yesterday
I remember everyone laughing along with you when you called me fat
And that time you pushed me into the wall when I was walking into class
I remember how you said that I would end up with a job at McDonalds
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For six months after I got the news, I still self-consciously found myself laying my hand on my stomach
As if you were still resting there
Like an accidentally swallowed pit from a peach.
I would go into toy shops and buy soft plush teddy bears and rattles for you
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We could never just be average teenagers; worrying about high school and deadlines
No, instead we had to worry about whether or not we would be alive the next day
Our relationship could never be normal
We never got to have a candle-lit dinner in a fancy restaurant or any of the other romantic things a girl dreams of doing with her first love
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Tell her that she’s perfect all the time
And don’t stop just because she says “I don’t believe you”
Cook her all her favourite foods that she won’t eat anymore
Because she thinks she’s too fat
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Tell her about the boy on the football team
And how he is hoping to score more than just points after the match
Tell her to focus on her academics
Because what college would accept a 17 year old with a baby?
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There is a dream catcher hung above my bed to keep away the bad dreams:
Dreams of sharp-tongued names called by vicious snakes in school uniform,
A corner where I sit alone, tears cascading on an open book,
Friends who get close to me just to stab me in the back
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