10 Reasons Poem by Max K

Ive been told all my life "when your sad, list 10 things your grateful for"
It's easier said than done when you struggle with mental illness.
It becomes your whole world.
Everything revolves around your thoughts, your episodes, and worst of all your addictions
It's hard to get your mind off of things even though people say it's possible what if it's not?
What if it's just something people say to make my mediocre life a little less miserable?
A little less screwy?
The lines on my wrists remind me of all the bullying, all of the abuse, all the sexaul comments, all the harassment, and worst of all, all the things i thought about myself at one time.
The insicuritys that my therapist calls "normal" and says "oh there is nothing wrong with feeling that way."
People say "you need to eat to survive" thats funny because i survive off of water and gum.
The burning sensation of the mint flavor on my toning stings like the burning passion of rejection.
My meds are suppose to help but if i'm being honest they just make things worse.
I live everyday with the burning feeling of rejection, the hurt, the pain, it all beccomes to unbearable.
Ive had multiple doctors, multiple therapists, alot of clinicians, and med managements.
Worst of all ive had lots of failed relationships that i though maybe they were the one.
Ive been told insult after insult. I know everyone in the book.

Eat food because your not anorexic but don't eat too much.
Don't open up to people, if you do your attention seeking.
Wear super shot shorts if you don't then your to masculine.
Always wear a full face of makeup because you need to hide your ugly face. But remember no too much because then your fake.
Forgive everyone, even if they do something completely backhanded.
Never whatever you do decline physical touch, your probably a spoiled brat
Never say i love you to a friend, everyone will jump to conclusions,
Never talk about breakups in friendship, you will never have empathy from anyone no matter how much it hurt you
Remember to always respect your family, doesnt matter if they yell or are just not good people. Always respect them
Do what your told, it doesnt matter if the option you suggested is smarter or more logical they are the adult.
Never admit that your hurting.
Go to your room, bury your face with smeared mascara into your pillow because we both know that your pillow is the only thing that wont leave you.
Drown your sorrows, your issues, and your loneliness into rivers of tears, the music thats loud as thunder because your to ashamed to get help.
Just remember that if anone comes to your room, wipe your tears, look and act fine, and whatever you do, never open up.
Although your tears are like clouds pouring, drencthing your face and shirt with salty wet tears, you cant ask for help.
Everyone says "just get over it"
"Your just a teen"
"Just wait until you grow up"
It makes me wish that i could let them see my thoughts
Let them feel my emotions.
And lastly let them struggle with what i'm struggling with.
I struggle with his hands, always on me
Always feeling
But never feeling
Your words shoot threw me like a bullet and i cant stop bleeding
Your actions cut threw me like a knife and i cant stop sobbing
I love you
I hate you.
I hate that i love you.