11/18 Poem by Medusa Waves

You once filled my heart with a ray of light that I could not feel myself,
Now this ray is dim and my heart has left a dull beating
Slow beats, blood rushing to my head again and all I feel is nothing
I push the blade against the surface of my skin, to feel real—ruby pearls emerge
But not even this takes away from the intangible ache deep inside my heart
High days, low days, become higher and lower with each passing day
When will it be too low, when will I get too high—
I feel my eyes may roll out of my head,
So then you can look at the empty holes left
Might as well speak to me behind the wall you’ve built
What good are eyes if I still see your fading love
I don’t trust the happy feelings anymore, I don’t trust blank words
Phrases made to condition a response in me, and I oblige
I am your starved cat inside this Skinner box of yours, and I feed off your love
But this time I’m tired, I’m tired and the food is invariable
Learned helplessness, I let this heart die
I’d rather be cold and empty than experience the death