19 Years Old And Still Held Through It All Poem by Christen Kuikoua

19 years on this earth.
Lord… I thank You.
But even that feels insufficient

Because if I'm honest,
This year exposed me.

It exposed my pride.
My insecurity.
My need for validation at times.
My fear of not being enough.
My fear of being too much.

There were days I felt strong in public
and completely empty in private.

There were prayers I prayed
that I didn't fully believe.
There were sins I repeated
after promising you I was done.
There were tears I wiped quickly
so nobody would ask questions.

I've smiled while breaking.
Encouraged others while doubting myself.
Spoken faith while fighting disbelief.
And still, you kept me alive.

Nineteen years.
I didn't always honor You with my thoughts.
I didn't always honor You with my desires.
Sometimes my flesh was louder than my spirit.
Sometimes I wanted what You said no to.
Sometimes I resented the waiting.
Sometimes I envied others.
Sometimes I questioned Your timing.
And yet You did not remove Your hand from me.

You let me see another year
with breath in my lungs
and purpose still attached to my futile name.

I thank You for love acquired.
the kind that made me feel chosen.
And love lost
the kind that made me question everything.
For friendships that healed me
And for the ones You removed,
even when I begged You not to.

I thank You for the people who misunderstood me
because they taught me I cannot be explained to everyone.
I thank You for rejection
because it forced me to find identity in you alone.

I thank you for every frown.
For the silent tears.
the tears nobody saw but You.
the ones I tried to hide.
when I was too tired to be strong.

I thank You for pain.
The kind that makes your chest heavy.
The kind that humbles you.
The kind that makes you kneel in prayer.
even when you would rather stand tall.

I thank you for joy too.
For laughter that surprised me.
For my amazing brothers and sisters
For moments I forgot my worries.
For smiles that were not forced.

For you, oh Lord, You have been my sustainer.
when my faith was thin.
When my confidence cracked.
When I felt alone in crowded rooms.

Thank You for the battles I won.
even when my flesh was loud and restless.
I know I did not win them by strength.
but because Your grace spoke louder than my weakness.
Thank you for the defeats too.
the ones that showed me my immaturity
and revealed how much I still need to grow.

Thank You for not giving up on me
when I almost gave up on myself.

If I am completely honest,
I am not where I thought I would be.
I am still healing.
Still learning.
Still unlearning.
Still fighting parts of me
that do not reflect You.

But I am here, am still yours.
Hallowed be Your Name
in my confusion.
Thy Kingdom come
in my broken places.
Thy will be done
even when it confronts me.

Thank you for nineteen.
Not a perfect nineteen.
Not a holy all the time nineteen.
But a growing, stumbling, rising again, and persisting in faith nineteen.

Amen.