Leah Ayliffe

Gold Star - 6,300 Points (June 8,1991 / Toronto)

A Letter To The First One I Let In. - Poem by Leah Ayliffe

It's hard to watch as your love for her explodes
like everything you have ever hoped for.
Not because I am in love with you -
I rather think that that's not what this is about.
No, it is because I finally felt understood by another soul
for the first time.
You found my craziness something special, something that shouldn't be hidden.
I must be at a loss because I always thought the person I'd let into my world
would be the one to stick around and love me.
I realize you didn't ask to be let in
I somehow forgot that I left my door wide open.
I don't think I'll ever understand why or how, yet there you were laying comfortably on my bed.
I liked you there.
Yes, there you were letting me be a broken mess,
and caring about me anyway.
I got too involved in an idea
that maybe I could keep you as is.
I got used to the ways you noticed my potential,
the beautiful things about me,
and the way you understood my flaws, and accepted the demons that haunt my mind.
Perhaps I simply adored the attention and affection that had been void in my life until you.
Well, now you're in love.
I can see that it is beautiful, even real maybe,
a girl to write all your love songs about.
I didn't anticipate such happiness being taken away so soon once I had finally grasped it, had a taste of it.
It's not that it's the end, I daresay there is still room to travel down this wonderful road we're on.
I'll be fine, like always.
I can tell we're still something special, something other,
a friendship I can depend on.
Only now there is this daunting fear that follows,
I'll begin to fade into the background.
Even the best of friends have slowly been erased by true love,
there seems to be no comparison.
I dream someday I'll find it too.
So yeah, I'm a little lost right now when it comes to you,
'cause I really hadn't expected to let someone in
unless they intended to stay -
though it may have been the greatest mistake I ever made,
the best really.
I am happy to have you here right now, at least I have that.
At least I know what it is like to be heard, even if it's just a sentence at the end of a chapter.
Things rarely tun out the way we imagine them to be,
and I think that's okay.
I would really prefer that you don't leave me behind,
that we stay the best of friends into the horizon of the world we dream of someday travelling.
I am scared to be forgotten by the one who discovered the darkest parts of me and didn't run.
I am afraid of all these things, but I want you to know,
No matter if our road has a dead end or no end at all,
I'll always be glad that you're happy.
You'll always be thought of as the first one I let in.

Topic(s) of this poem: fear, fragility, friendship, love, vulnerability

Comments about A Letter To The First One I Let In. by Leah Ayliffe

  • Paul Davies (1/22/2016 10:07:00 PM)

    This gripping poem becomes my own, as informed verse should. So very moving, inexpressible.
    It has happened to me in this lifetime that I have opened all, given all, healed her wounds and restored her heart, then numbly watched as she went off to another. I began to imagine myself as some kind of service waystation, who mended broken lives then let them away, off to some better thing.
    Now, as an outcome, the more deeply I recollect a love in the remote past, the more I will stay distant. Although in recent years, one or two loves from before, who have remembered me as well, would not be put off and have stayed. That may only happen once older, though I would rather have my youth again to share.
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Poem Submitted: Friday, January 22, 2016

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