A Simple Guide To Action Movies. Poem by Neil Gray

1) Whenever the Bad Guy makes a run for it in a Cop/Buddy movie there are to be no other Police avaliable in the vacinity to help the lead Good Guy's in there pursuit of said villian.
If there are other Officer's within hot pursuit range they must all of a sudden become mentally retarded and think that the best way to drive their vehicles is by ramming them into fire-hydrants or other such NONE MOVING targets.

2) The Lead Actor's stunt double must look NOTHING AT ALL like the Lead Actor.
In fact it is encouraged that he isn't even of the same race.

3) Runaway trams and s**t are just funny.

4) The Lead Actor's must be a) A comedy act if they are doing a buddy movie or B) Guilt ridden and angsty if white or Angry and p****d off if Black.

5) If you have no ideas WHATSOEVER don't worry about it, just throw in a shed load of special effects and no-one will notice.(Yes Matrix 2 and 3 I AM looking in your direction) .

6) There must ALWAYS be a love interest, preferabaly one that hates the main character when they first meet but with whom you just know she's gonna get it on.

7) They get it on.

8) In the process of them getting it on it must either be shot a) Tastefully, with shadows, firelight and strategically placed bedclothes or B) With lot's of gratutious shot's of her necked depending on how high your budget is.

9) No matter if the Bad Guy is placed under guard by the US Marines, the Navy and the f*****g Airforce they will ALWAYS escape in the DUMBEST manner ever (as not to alienate our target audience by coming up with a fiendish plan that they just won't understand without at least a weeks explanation)

10) And finally, no good Action Movie is truely complete without at least 7 twist's at the end each one more flabbergasting than the rest until the audience is overwhelmed with mind numbing pleasure and their brains shut down....only to reawaken in time to see the little teaser that will be left at the end so we can bleed this pitiful franchise into at least 3 sequels.