A Tale Of Scottish Pilgrims (In Scots) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

Ae day a puckle fowk in Embro met
Upon St Andra's pilgrimage they set
St Mary's kirk wis far they stertit frae
A mixter maxter gallus company
An tae acquaint the reader wi thon crew
They're named aneth, aa wi nae mair ado

Sir Ritchie Frenzy, pop star, OBE
The Laird o Burnieboozle VIP
Wi his pierced lug, tattoos an peintit ee
He'd cam tae makk a documentary
Aboot the New Age seekers eftir truith
Fur he wis near his eyn, lang past his youth

Neist Tam the Bam a mercenary, hauf blin
He wauked tae leave the ghaists o war ahin
An tried tae blot them oot in boozy bars
He wore a black patch ower his bladdit ee
An hoped the pilgrimage wid sainin be

Myles Sharnydubs, an eco fermer wis
Far ithers plantit barley, neeps an piz
He favoured weeds tae makk the planets green
An carried packs o nettles tae be gien
Tae aa the pilgrims fur twis his belief
That weeds can makk as gweed a meal as beef

Ms Stella Moocher, Heid o a Care Hame
Wis creashie, a befuskered crabbit dame
Her GP warned she'd hae tae shed the wecht
Bi exercise, or fat wid be her daith
She'd wauk the pilgrimage tae hae a crack
At fendin aff a pendin hairt attack

A social wirker, Jenny Cannie jyned
Tae wirk aff stress an hae a healthy mind
For takken tent o clients turned her heid
Aye sittin nearly smored bi stank o weed


ZitsJigger a probation officer
Wis waukin tae keep felons wints afar
The vratches wir oot winchin, fechtin, pubbin
Lang eftir curfew or aff doontoon clubbin
He langed tae hae their tags electrifeed
This pilgrimage wad gie him some remeid

Bartok Nowicki,hameless ootreach wirker
Saw fowk fa wadnae even tempt a burker
Turn intae banes, strukk bi the drugs they bocht
A cheenge o company wis aa he socht

Yuri Abelev, psychiatric nurse
Earned ilkie penny frae the public purse
He thocht the pilgrimage jist fit he'd need
Tae gie him virr, his waes tae supercede

Ananda wis a monk frae Samye Ling
(a Glesga Buddhist, knicknamed Andy Ching)
His prayers, aa in Tibetan, he wid say
In life he wauked the Mahayana wey

Divine Gift Addi wis Nigerian
Tae convert aa the ithers wis his plan
Tae the Redeemed Kirk o his Glorious God
That aa micht sing an clap, His wirks applaud

Shona McSwick, a buyer fur Fair Voices
Thocht she micht backspeir pilgrims on their choices
Wid they buy chaip, or dear bit ethical
Wi fit did ilkie ane their trolley fill?

Helen Lefevere, help desk in a bank
Needed a cheenge o air tae fill her tank
Ower blate tae speed date, ortae tweet
A divorcee or widower she micht meet

Constable Dan Reddem thocht the cherms
O takkin knives frae gallus bits o bairns
Wis weirin thin, thocht ither fowk micht like
Tae jyne in better ploys, on fit or bike


Andy Perjick, Lord Provost's deputy
Wintit tae wauk in anonymity
An meebe spin a lee or twa tae pass
The time, or meet a sonsie, nubile lass

Whilst Ceecil Wiltingham a gents'ootfitter
Likit new challenges…he wis nae quitter
In trainin fur a year in the Sahara
Tholin the hett an flechs like ony para

Jeemsie the Haimmer, boss o ‘Nails on Wheels'
Lued haggis, shortbreid,fusky, echtsome reels
Explorin pairts o Scotlan's history
Saint Andra wis on his itinerary

Suzie Spulzie, hame designer ace
Socht tae update her CV's interface
She'd follaers fa watched her ilkie blog
On café, restaurant, hobby,wirk, an bog
For Suzie cudnae takk a step bit she
Maun click an sen it tae posterity

Natasha over-price artist o note
Peintit the lan fae Troon tae Johnny Groats
Her camera in her pooch, the Forth she'd snap
Anither pseudo maisterpiece tae drap

Deirdre McEwe a Harris haunloom weaver
Wauked on the pilgrimage, an eager beaver
Dressed in her tweeds tae publicise the brand
Excitin aa the midgies on the stran

Juana Santos, a McCampell waitress
Wintit her Scottish boyfriend tae impress
O Scotlan's saint, bi larnin aa she could
(Her lad wis jist as Scots as Hollywood
A Texan he enjoyed each Scottish howf
Bit aa he kent o Scotlan wis the gowf)

A Plymouth Brethern Deep Sea Fisherman
Alicky Buchan frae the cauld Broch stran
Wis keen tae see the haley relics' kist
A fell releegious sowel, bi Faith wis blessed
Dr Groinne Stillmore, speecialist
In helpin thon puir sowels fa're aywis pissed
Wis testin oot a theory that like Lourdes
Faith cud beat medicine in terms o cures

Lottie Risqué fa ained a spa retreat
Wis aywys sikkin custimers tae treat
Frae Embro tae St Anrdra's aa she'd yelp
Wis massage, auras, raxx an dunt an skelp

The Reverend Isaac Booth o the Wee Frees
(Fas breed thinks Catholics are a disease)
Byordnar, he wis tolerant, raxxed oot
Tae learn fit ither creeds wir aa aboot

Florin Milosov, a wee Fife fruit picker
Scunnered o booin ower a creel o wicker
Gaed on the pilgrimage as a wee treat
The anely holiday his wage could meet

Jeannickie Bap makker o haun milled breid
‘Straicht frae the quern' set aff tae sow the seed
Bi tellin pilgrims, martyrs tae their bowels
That roughage wid redeem their flesh an sowels

Grizelda Harrigals frae a food bank
Fas life wis itherwise a social blank
Hid turned the wauk intae a personal mission
Tae gae on pilgrimage, an auld tradition

Ivan Snatcher, cooncil debt collector
Wis branchin oot, p/t as an inspector
Fur tax defrauders, bit tae even up
He'd takk o haliness a wirthy sup
An pray an be as gweed as he could be
A source o charity, an maist P.C,

Hugo Sniffitoot wis like a tyke
Asylum seekers fa wad lowp the dyke
Or boo the rules, he'd pounce on, gar them grue
They'd niver try again tae jink the queue
Gin he fand ony on thon pilgrimage
He'd hae them pit awa intae the cage
Auld Clootie Crowther, o an auncient breed
(A medium, fa conversit wi the deed)
Atauld St Andra's he thocht t'wid be nice
Tae gar St Peter open Paradise
Bit failin thon a podcast he widmakk
Fur Veesit ScotlanPilgrimage please takk!