Advice To Dracula Poem by Sheena Blackhall

What goes on in that swamp of your mind…
Remembering your first fang-bite?
Doesn't it give you the heebie-geebies?
Doesn't it ever bore you, that diet of blood?
Anyone would think you were a horsefly or a mosquito
A leech, a lamprey, a bedbug or a bat
Wouldn't you prefer a steak tartare with all the trimmings?

It's bad for your health
Living in a crypt, all that mould and damp

It'll ruin your eyesight, floating about in the dark
Looking through stained glass windows
Mostly after midnight, hungry and uninvited
Unwanted as raw sewage

Don't you realise you could develop porphyria
Sickle cell disease? Leukemia? Aids, even?
The blood you drink's untested.

Night work disrupts your body's circadian rhythms,
It increases the risk of developing diabetes,
Heart disease, and obesity.

Night feeding ruins your system's ability
To process sugar and glucose
Studies have shown that eating at night,
Impairs the body's ability to process sugar, or glucose

However, in your defence, drinking blood
Helps heal the disease of porphyria

And like George III, Vlad the Impaler.
Frederick the great of Prussia,
Your pee is probably purple.