Alone! ! ! Poem by J.J B. Torment

I go through each day alone inside. The outside appearance is a façade. It isn’t real. The smile on my face and the gleam in my eye is but a lie, a Vail. Everyone smiles back at me. They see me with there eyes. They see only what I portray. No one knows who I am, not even God himself. I hide away the ‘real’ person.

Just like a character on stage, when the curtain goes up and the lights go on, they come out, make-up on, personalities created … displaying a life that doesn’t exist. The audience escapes inside they’re world, consuming every bit of the fantasy that surrounds them. So it is with me…. a character. My make-up is the masks I hide behind. My life is the stage. Everyone around me is the audience. They see only the character that I choose to display. Just like the audience, they soak in my fantasy, my created world. A world that isn’t completely real.

I know it makes them feel comfortable, accepting, and content. They feel safe, secure in what they believe is reality. It also makes me feel good, like someone cares about me, like I am ‘ok’, like I am ‘normal’. My friends, my neighbors, my family …. this is what they see … a play … written and produced and created by me.

Why is this? ? Because I know if they knew what really is inside me, like the constant dark thoughts that engulf me day and night, or the battle between good and evil that is fought on a daily basis, that is, sometimes, more powerful then an atomic bomb.…they would be frightened. If they knew the drastic and horrifying things I’ve done, the things that only appear to them in nightmares… they would be scared, afraid of what the creator has brought into this world. They wouldn’t understand how a person could be so different from themselves. There opinion and thoughts of what is real would be crushed, and they wouldn’t be able to ever have any comfort or confidence in there judgments.

So we return to the beginning. I am alone with no one to turn to. I keep everything locked behind closed doors, somewhat controlled for a time. But like a caged wild animal, the thoughts and temptations are waiting to escape, waiting to break-out and take control again, waiting for the next ‘fix’ or next ‘hit’, to sooth its appetite. So then it can be controlled… but only for a time