Assorted Limericks Poem by David Smart

Hairy Mary

A farmer's young daughter named Mary,
Whose legs were excessively hairy,
Was asked did she care
She said ‘No the hair
‘Keeps me warm while I work in the dairy.'


Parsimony

A sprightly old man from Dundee
Ate kippers each day for his tea.
When asked why this was
He said ‘It's because
‘My son-in-law gets them for free! '


The Lazy Cow

An elderly cow name of Daisy
Has become increasingly lazy.
She lies down to eat,
Never gets to her feet
And is driving the farmer quite crazy.


Nobodies Fool

A wealthy old codger from Goole
Said ‘I didn't learn that much at school.
‘I left at thirteen
‘And since then I've been
‘Making money -I'm nobodies fool! '


The Talented Pig

There once was a talented pig
That could dance both the hornpipe and jig.
It could stand on it's toes
And sing through it's nose
While wearing a long golden wig.






Grace

An elderly lady named Grace
Had a very peculiar face.
Instead of a nose
She'd a cluster of toes
Which really looked most out of place.


Clumsy Betty

A clumsy young lady named Betty
Slipped and fell off a rickety jetty.
As she fell to the water
A fisherman caught her
And saved her from getting all wetty.


Melissa the Kisser

I once knew a girl named Melissa,
Renowned as a champion kisser.
She had lips that could suck
The tyres off a truck.
She's gone now and I truly miss'er.


Grandfather's Bucket

A timid young girl from Nantucket
Spied a hole in her Grandfather's bucket.
She thought with dismay
‘I know just what he'll say! '
She told him and he said ‘Oh bother! '


The Considerate Cat

A cat saw a mouse climb a chair
And thought to himself ‘Do I care?
This isn't my house -
To harry that mouse
Would be totally, wholly unfair.'






Parson Snape

A very thin parson named Snape
Used to dress in a really long cape.
On one cold windy day
A gust blew him away
Now his widow is wearing black crêpe.


The Amorous Bull

A beautiful lady from Hull
Was chased by an amorous bull.
So she ran down to Louth
Where they had foot-and-mouth
And was saved by the on-going cull.


The Frightened Girl

There was a young girl from Madrid
Who was frightened to walk on a grid.
She said ‘This is silly.
‘I'll go willy-nilly.'
And she would and she could and she did.


Rude Girl from Bude

There was a young lady from Bude
Whose behaviour was really quite rude.
She sat in a chair
With her legs in the air
And her panties - if any - were nude.