Black Smudge Poem by Dawn Lochridge

I was a independent single mother..
Now I am just a black smudge..
Iv'e always been a black smudge!
I try everyday to better myself with a positive additiude an Thank you Lord for another day!
The black Smudge always bursts as I awake withmy positive outlook!
Only to jump right back in bed quickly and curl up with my furbabies..
I pray at night - Dear Lord please watch over me and take the nightmares away..
I am a mentally ill black smudge..
I am a weak woman now!
I went from a successful independent Mother, employee, daughter, sister, friend to a black smudge you lick-your finger and try to remove it...
I have issues that weigh heavily on my mind and shoulders..
I am messed up and my own family stirsthe pot and turned up the heat..
I was the precious spoiled baby that came along, not planned!
My Father and Mother were preparing retirement - It came to a halt when they found out about me.
I'm a black smudge, the kind you have to work hard to remove. Only I couldn't be scrubbed away!
I joined 2 sisters 12 and 10 yrs older than me- You know the black smudge..
A black smudge that drives you nuts because it want come off..
A black smudge that had a eating disorder and self inflicted injuries so I could feel pain instead of A black smudge..
My life has been traumatized since the day I was born a black smudge.
My sisters fought over me - The black smudge.
They dropped me and hurt me...
My sisters actually punched each other just to give a bath and put me to bed..
Why would a family fight over a black smudge?
I am a black smudge and don't feel pain now that my sisters stopped wanting me badly that fighting andpunch each other..
I have no one in my family; yes my children too!
I was a independent, OCD, BIPOLAR, INSOMNIAC ODD, POUR ANXIETY & PANIC THAT WENT TO WORK EVERYDAY AS A REGULAR RURAL CARRIER..
A black smudge that my sisters no longer want me!
Why did I have to take care of my daddy? I was eleven yearold girl watching my daddy's chest to see him breath..

The black smudge cleaned up vomit and made daddy's food, why bother he would vomit it right back up!
I loved my daddy and he didn't plan on have A black smudge...I was a little girl, his little girl! ! I suffer mentally and have vived dreams about my daddy.
I was his black smudge and loved me unconditionally..
Daddy was my hero. I was a black smudge and he was still proud of me.
I am mentally ill, no danger to myself or anyone.
I know right from wrong, I still get mad, really MAD..
THE BLACK SMUDGE WAS SO MAD THAT HER DADDY DIED WHEN SHE WAS ONLY twelve years old.
Be careful! !
You will mark your children with events that causes trauma
for life.
The black smudge had to see her hero laying dead in the hospital while he was still warm...
I can't forget it.. I relive it with every dream and while thinking about him.
My Mother loved me! She still does!
I thank God for my Mother...
God left me in the hands of my Mother, I am thankful God left me in her care.. I Love my Mother....
She tells me " Let gp of the past" However I can't daddy is in my dreams...