Cats In A Gale (25 Scots Poems) Poem by Sheena Blackhall

1.The 3-leggit Mannie

There's a 3-leggit mannie fa bides in Portree
He keeps twa pet goldfish inside his TV
He weirs a canary on tap o his heid
It cleans oot his lugs wi acroissante o breid

His waas are spaghetti hoops, pink on aa sides
Wi an upside doon lum, an a reef o coo hides
He sits doon tae rin, an he lowps fin he sleeps
An he plays in a band wi a soo weirin breeks

His wife makks a steer-pudden ooto aa weathers
His dother-in-law drives a car made o feathers
His bagpipes are made frae a kettle o tea
Thon three leggit mannie fa bides in Portree!


2.Ca-Cannie

Fowk say that ye are fit ye eat
Sae ca-cannie fin chawin yer meat
Swiss rolls an paninis luik daft in bikinis
An petticoat tails hae nae feet!


3.Bulgers an Brochers an Boddamers

Bulgers an Brochers an Boddamer chiels
Hae lobster for brakkfast they catch in their creels
At nicht in the meenshine, their airms turn tae nippers
(Bit Gaymrie fowk step oot in sealskin an flippers)


4.Roch-Sleeper

There is a roch sleeper rowed up in a cloot
She sleeps on the street fin the starnies come oot
Wi papers an boxies tae gie her some heat
Fin Jack Frost comes nippin her lugs an her feet

Roch sleeper, roch sleeper, in your flechy sark
Wi anely the rattens as friens in the dark
Roch sleeper, roch sleeper, ye should hae a flat
Wi a fire an a bed an a black purrin cat

Roch sleeper, roch sleeper, ye spikk tae yersel
Fit kinda stories an tales dae ye tell?
War ye aince bonnie, an cuddlit an clappit
Roch sleeper, roch sleeper, wi frost an leaves happit?


5.Cats in a Gale

Lingle lingle lang tang Cats hae tails
Tae tie roon trees
Fin wins blaw gales
Gin tails brakk aff awa they flee
A flicht o cats abeen Dundee


6.The Heidie

I ken o a skweel far the creme de la crème
Winna send aff a heidie without an Amen
Especially tae ane wi a blue Volvo car
As vintage as Sir Winston Churchill's cigar

Wi her leavin in sicht, ay, the eyn drawin near
The byler set fire alarms birrin wi fear
Bit the fire brigade chiels kent the bairns wad be fine
Mile End turns oot pupils like ships o the line
At Sports Days, ower divot an fitba-kirned sod
She roars ooto a megaphone, luikin rale odd
Tae stop Myles or Ranjit frae crossin the line
Till the deem wi the fussle blaws oot that it's time

A Spike Milligan fan, fin the sna's dingin doon
Aroon Xmas, her carols cheer staff, quine and loon
For she stauns in the playgrun an on her heid weirs
A reid Sunty hat, tae an ootburst o cheers

She loves singin an music, an poetry an flooers
She'd tell tales tae the littlins fur oors an oors
Aa gweed things maun eyn, an she'll seen be awa
Bit och, as a heidie, I'm telt she wis braw!


7.The Wee Catty

There wis a wee catty caad Shug
He barked at a shelt an a dug
The shelt didna heed, bit the dug, at full speed
Bulldozed him an noo he's a rug


8.Clootie Tree

Clootie tree, clootie tree, hingin wi wishes
Preened there bi fowk like a sea-fu o fishes
Gie me a cat wi a wee siller bell
Clootie tree, clootie tree, aa tae masel


9.Hogmanay

Hogmanay. The Auld Year's gaen
Clean the hoose. Bring in the New
Licht the nicht wi mirth an sang
Joys be mony. Waes be few

Bairnies turning in yer beds
Dream yer dreams an grip yer teds
The New Year's here. Hip hip hooray!
Sleep soun bairns while big fowk play


10.Groundit
Dinna start yer girnin
Makkin on yer seek
Diana think I'm listenin
Yer groundit fur a wikk

The teacher said ye plunkit skweel
An wadna takk a tellin
Ye thumpit Dolly Baxter
An ye didna learn yer spellin

Dinna start yer girnin
I'm tholin nae mair chikk
Dinna think yer saftenin me¬
Yer groundit fur a wikk


11.Max

Max etts beefburgers wi chips on the side
Fur denner an brakkfast. He's 16 fit wide
He lies on his back fur he's ower fat tae rin
He opens his moo an draps beefburgers in


12.Molly the Coo

Molly the coo wauked tae the toun
Skittery-dowp an aa
She vowed that there she'd sattle doon
Green girse is best tae chaa

The traffic roared an wadna stop
The horns did peep an blaa
Naethin ava bit street an shop,
An larries, raa on raa

Molly the coo turned hungered syne
Nae neeps in wynd or lane
She flicked her tail an tossed her heid
An hoppity-skipped back hame



13.Toddle Toddle Dyeukie

Toddle toddle dyeukie
Toddlin ben the dubs
Splyterin in the watter
Luikin fur the bugs

Luikin fur the bugs
Wi yer beak gaun snap
Toddle toddle dyeukie
Wi yer feet gaun plap


14.Peelie Wallie

Paradiddle paradiddle prum, prum, prum
A wee germ's lowpin in ma tum, tum, tum

I'm feelin affa wabbit
Peelie wallie, seek an crabbit
Nae winner that I'm crabbit an I'm glum, glum, glum!


15. Skweel Secretaries

We're at the coal face o each wee primary skweel
We deal wi enquiries, type letters as weel
We decipher the answer phone's mutterins an rantins
We ficher wi siller, we haunle the bankins
Withoot us the newsletters widna be deen
The fax widna fax in the faxin machine
We're better detectives than Poirot....wi' zeal
We hunt doon the parents o bairns that's nae weel

Has a playpiece bin tint?
Has a packed lunch bin drappit?
We winna gie up till they're sniffed oot an trackit!
Has a tuba, a fiddle, a jimmy gaen missin?
Is the library floodit? The heatin pipes hissin?
It's us fowk aa rin tae...we MAUN be divine
Cause they think we wirk miracles near ilkie time!

We're wizards at Phoenix, we're dab hauns at Boss
We redd up the snorrels, the stooshies, the soss
We deal wi confusions that's caused bi the snaa
Fin the trains winna rin an the pipes winna thaa
We're there in a crisis, fin aathin looks black
We're the dynamic duo. We deal wi the flakk!


16.The Littlin

Far are ye gaun tae littlin?
Doon far the bandies sweem
In the rashes by the lochan
An the yalla's on the breem

Can I gae wi ye littlin?
Na, for a grown-up's ee
Wad miss the magic ferlies
That anely a bairn can see

The road I wauk is lichtit
Wi sun on its ferny track
Ay, bairn, it's blythe gaun forrit
It's waesome steppin back


17.The Trees o the Trossachs

The trees o the Trossachs are sturdy an braw
Wi knobbily knees that thole thunner an sna
Their trunks are as hardy as Desperate Dan
They've three times the smeddum o auld Ghenghis Khan

Gin yer needin a caber tae haive ower a park
The trees o the Trossach step up tae the mark!
They'll flee through the air an the dunt fin they lan
Will gar aa yer sausages lowp frae the pan!


18.J. J. the Puddock

J.J. the puddock liked tae rap
He wis a fitbaa fan
He pit his cap on back tae front
An drave like Desperate Dan


19.The Spaceman's Holiday

Willie's gaun tae Disneylan
Neil, tae Auchensheen
Jockie's aff tae camp in Troon
Bit I'm aff tae the meen!

Tasnim's aff tae Pakistan,
Jack, tae Aiberdeen
Omar's sailin roon the Gulf
Bit I'm aff tae the meen!


20.Class

Sawney Bean is in ma class
Wandrin Willie....John 0' Groats
Deacon Brodie, Grandpa Broon
Skirlin Wattie, takkin notes.

Rabbie Burns is tap at music
Jamie Saxth's the classroom feel
Willie Wallace is the jannie
Guairdian o this Scottish skweel

John Knox is the HMI
Dae yer hamework or ye'll fry


21.The Oxfam Shoppie

The Oxford shoppie has queues o frocks
Neuks that tick like electric clocks

A tour o Pisa o auld cassettes
Dallies fur bairns an trock fur pets

Curtains hingin like wearie washin
Speens an spurtles an gee-gaws flashin

A clockin hen wi a cheena reest
An ashet vrocht fur a xmas feast

Fyauchie dishcloots an ties that squirm
Roon the coonter like snake an wirm

Naebody needs tae prig nor mooch
Oxfam shoppies suit aabody's pooch


22. the Fun Fair

This Setterday morning we gaed tae the fair
Granny an mither an faither war there
Ma wee sister Lizzie wis birled in the waltzers
Wi granny fa tint her new hat an her falsers

Fin ma brither Joe tried the merriematanzie
His face turned as green as the neck o his ganzie

Da drappt frae the Big Wheel an raxxed his bihoochie
An left in an ambulance wippit in stookie

Mither sat on the dodgems an drave like the Deil
She demolished the ghaist train an whirlies as weel

I thocht that oor babby wis sprootin a beard
It wis popcorn as ower his wee coupon he'd smeared

A queer keekin glaiss gart ma granfaither blink
He'd shrunk hauf his size tae a skinnymalink

At the coconut shy staa I won twenty prizes
An then I wis chased bi a gang o as sizes

Ma big sister Katie gaed inno a tent
Her fortune wis telt, aa her siller wis spent
She wis telt that her future lay ower the water
She skyted in dubs an fell doon wi a splatter

Sick, battered like puddens, we aa hytered hame
Da's promised neist Sunday we're gaun back again


23. Wee Willie

Robert the Bruce had a pearl in his croon
James the fifth, in his sceptre
Henry the fifth had ane stown frae his tent
At Agincoort...fit a mishanter!

Bit I am the biggest, the brichtest, the best,
Frae Ullapuil doon tae Caerphilly
I'm the brawest Scots pearl frae the North, Sooth, East, West
An I gyang bi the name o Wee Willie!


24.The Snail Limerick (the case of Donohue v Stevenson,1928)

A wee Glesga wummin turned pale
For her ginger beer drink held a snail
It did her some gweed,
Tho the puir snail wis deid
It shelled oot fur a roon-the-warld sail!


25.Muckle Flugga Lichthoose

I'm the Muckle Flugga lichthoose luikin tae the frozen north
Watchin tug boats chugga-chug alang the spray

As the crew gyang glugga wi their cocoa ablow deck
Throw the fugga-fugga-fog I sen ma ray

Foo I'd like tae rin awa frae here an be a barber's pole
Or a helter-skelter belter at the fair

I'm the Muckle Flugga lichthoose. I'm scunnert, an I'm cauld
An ma roosty jynts are creakin an they're sair!