Chapter I Poem by Melanie Walendowsky Baker

and so as ever now
as ever as before
these fears of mine
seem to be growing even more

with each passing day
each thought of you
i say to myself:
“this can’t be true”

i see it in my eyes
and the glowing in my face
i see and feel it all
all the smiles and all the grace

but how do i go on
in this divided sort of way?
how do i know
if i want this to stay?

i remember your lips
your smell and your touch
the gentle passion
that we liked so much

yet why do i think
i’m better off being free?
free of this thing
this thing that’s haunting me?

explain, please explain
this fear i feel inside
and why i dread the end
when i haven’t even tried?

you must think i’m a fool
so young and yet so old
but don’t you know?
my story’s already been told

that’s why i care so much
my gentle, gentle man
about my fears
of what i won’t do and what i can

so tell me now
before our eyes meet again
how do you want me?
from beginning to end?

or will you take me?
will you greet me and kiss me?
will you hold me and love me?
so that you can leave me and miss me?

answer me this
and i’ll be satisfied
either i’ll just keep remembering
or i’ll leave my fears aside

(London – 13 July,1997)